11-19-08 12:41 PM
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  1. pashan's Avatar
    I mentioned earlier that my 12.5 years have been very rough, and they were rough for both my husband and I, but were moving on. There was always one thing that sort of got me through... It was an interview with George Burns and Gracie Allen which occured late in their marriage. When asked how they made their marriage work so well in such an unforgiving industry one of them replied that it wasn't nearly as easy as everyone seemed to think and that there had been VERY difficult times but (and this is the good part) WE WERE NEVER BOTH OUT OF LOVE AT THE SAME TIME.

    I have found it to be true in my marriage as well, as long as at least one of you is willing to fight for (I said FOR, not with) the other then there us a chance.

    There us no one solution for this problem, some folks need to cut their losses and RUN, others need to suck it up and stick it out! I've been in BOTH positions in my life, my first husband was an abusive **** and I got the h3ll outta Dodge! No doubt I did the right thing! If I'd have followed the "until death do we part" theory we would have parted sooner, rather than later, as he was close to killing me more than once! My husband now is a wonderful man, albeit not perfect. I'll stick this one out for sure!!! :-)

    Sounds like our OP is resigned to staying, so my suggestion is to work hard at making it better. Counseling, a vacation, communication, whatever it takes dangit!!

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    11-14-08 03:51 AM
  2. JustPlainJef's Avatar
    I'm not for divorce, but I understand it. But I feel that it shouldn't come as a surprise to either partner to hear "I want a divorce."

    If my wife told me that one day, I'd make damn sure we went through counseling and I made efforts to change before I let it happen. I wouldn't block it completely, but I wouldn't let it happen without trying to salvage what we have.
    11-14-08 04:09 AM
  3. luvitlo's Avatar
    Abuse is a different matter than just I'm not "In Love" anymore my sister-in-law was in an abusive marriage and got out but gettin a divorce just because you wake up one day and decide you don't love this one time to find another....ummmm sorry not moral or ethical. I brought up the thing about marry a hot girl and she gain weight and get a divorce cause I have a friend who did that 3 times. Women are gonna flutuate in weight especially once they get married, settle down and get comfortable. Size, Age, and Money are not factors of love.
    11-14-08 08:01 AM
  4. anon(52425)'s Avatar
    Sooooo sad. I'm gonna get some loving from my wife now.

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    11-14-08 04:50 PM
  5. ShortStop51001's Avatar
    Sooooo sad. I'm gonna get some loving from my wife now.

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    lol!hahah!
    11-14-08 07:35 PM
  6. MJ4CB's Avatar
    I suggest Dr. Phil or better yet, Dr. Ruth! You can record on your DVR right from ur BB!

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    11-14-08 08:44 PM
  7. wallyjayrosenberger's Avatar
    I just simply refuse to be unhappy in a relationship. Life is too short. I've been with my wife for almost 9 years now and If I'm unhappy about something we talk about it and vice versa. If there comes a time when I'm so unhappy that the marriage has to end then it has to end. We have a daughter so we'd have to be grown ups about it and not let her be hurt by us fighting or talking crap about the other one to her.
    Divorce is not the end of the world for you or your children. My parents got a divorce when I was 7 and I was actually happier afterwards. They didn't fight about anything in front of us. We got to stay with which ever one we wanted whenever we wanted and they were both happier. IMO messy divorces are generally caused my immaturity and a lack of thoughtfulness for others involved.

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    11-14-08 10:53 PM
  8. ItsBets's Avatar
    I'm really enjoying this thread actually. It's interesting to hear all of the differing opinions - whether I agree with them or not.

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    11-15-08 12:33 AM
  9. lea808's Avatar
    it's pretty selfish to stay with someone because you can't "bear to break her heart."
    Last edited by lea808; 11-19-08 at 02:30 AM.
    11-19-08 02:27 AM
  10. amazinglygraceless's Avatar
    it's pretty selfish to stay with someone because you can't "bear to break her heart."
    Actually I was thinking it was sort of self centered to think their heart would be
    broken. Sort of as if their sun rose and fell because of someone else. As a guy
    in a happy 17 year marriage I can say without reservation that type of attitude
    is the makings of a disaster.

    Maybe the other person is just as ready to be rid of "bad baggage".

    It never ceases to amaze me what inflated egos people have or how they
    think the other person would be just devastated without them.
    11-19-08 02:54 AM
  11. gregerator's Avatar
    My wife left me because she "lied to me on the altar and never was really *in* love with me". She claimed I was a safe bet in that she knew I'd never be an alcoholic, never abuse her, always provide for her, put her first etc. Apparently that wasn't enough. 7 years of life. And while I'm glad she didn't drag it out even longer I hate being alone. I had hoped to have kids by now and miss sharing my life with someone. I try not to be bitter about it but it isn't always easy. I'm against divorce and we did do a bit of counseling but she wasn't ever in the game in the first place. I can say I came across a pretty solid book in the aftermath. His Needs, Her Needs. If anyone is serious about seeing a marriage through I would highly suggest it. It helped me see who I can be for my future spouse.

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    11-19-08 02:56 AM
  12. amazinglygraceless's Avatar
    @greg: Sorry about what happened to your marriage, but really,
    your answer is in you, NOT in a self help book.

    And honestly, if someone else wrote the book, it ain't self help.
    Marriage and relationships are not that hard. They don't require
    counseling, books, etc... They just require people that are open,
    honest and willing to put in the work. Simple as that.
    11-19-08 03:03 AM
  13. JustPlainJef's Avatar
    I disagree. There are many times when counseling of some sort (be it professional or getting advice from those close to you) makes a world of difference. There are a handful of really good books out there. One of the ones I've heard of from multiple people is something along "The 5 Love Languages."

    Yes, you need to be open, honest, and willing to work. But a good counselor will facilitate that.

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    11-19-08 03:35 AM
  14. exelant's Avatar
    Of course it takes 2. There wasn't much Greg could do if she was determined to leave. The one comforting thing for you Greg, is to realize she was maniputating you from the start. It wasn't you that made her leave; it was her all along. She was just making up excuses, unfortunately, the ones she came up with made you feel worse. I wouldn't believe a thing she said, Greg.

    It's easy to say you'll meet someone new, but it is true. It'll just happen when you least expect it. Give yourself a little time to grieve and get over it. Life's wierd, but I've always led with my chin. Sometimes I've been knocked down, but you gotta get up and dust yourself off and go on.

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    11-19-08 08:16 AM
  15. luvitlo's Avatar
    My wife left me because she "lied to me on the altar and never was really *in* love with me". She claimed I was a safe bet in that she knew I'd never be an alcoholic, never abuse her, always provide for her, put her first etc. Apparently that wasn't enough. 7 years of life. And while I'm glad she didn't drag it out even longer I hate being alone. I had hoped to have kids by now and miss sharing my life with someone. I try not to be bitter about it but it isn't always easy. I'm against divorce and we did do a bit of counseling but she wasn't ever in the game in the first place. I can say I came across a pretty solid book in the aftermath. His Needs, Her Needs. If anyone is serious about seeing a marriage through I would highly suggest it. It helped me see who I can be for my future spouse.

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    How could any woman think someone was a SAFE BET.

    I know my wife loves me we met I was disabled then as I am now, I was in the Hospital more our first year of dating than I was out, and she stayed as much as she could and got me anything I needed, called nurses and chased them down if they didn't come to the room quick enough (I have a tracheostomy and my throat is so badly scared up I can't talk) And she still does everything to take care of me and makesure I'm health as I can be.


    But a SAFE BET is crazy everyone has rants and gets angry says things without thinking, I would never intentionally hurt my wife but I've been on some meds since I been with her and she says they make me mean and not myself at all. Hope your never put on any of the serious Narcodics like doctors put me on...i.e. morphine, one called hydra???????? something can't pronounce it much less spell it (they called it a hospitals version of heroine, just to ease the pain as much as they could.) all I know is my wife said it made me act mean and crazy so I had the doctors drop it back to morphine just a higher dosage.
    11-19-08 10:28 AM
  16. lea808's Avatar
    Actually I was thinking it was sort of self centered to think their heart would be
    broken. Sort of as if their sun rose and fell because of someone else. As a guy
    in a happy 17 year marriage I can say without reservation that type of attitude
    is the makings of a disaster.

    Maybe the other person is just as ready to be rid of "bad baggage".

    It never ceases to amaze me what inflated egos people have or how they
    think the other person would be just devastated without them.
    i agree 100%! it's cliche, but communication really is the key to everything.
    11-19-08 11:51 AM
  17. amazinglygraceless's Avatar
    I disagree. There are many times when counseling of some sort (be it professional or getting advice from those close to you) makes a world of difference. There are a handful of really good books out there. One of the ones I've heard of from multiple people is something along "The 5 Love Languages."

    Yes, you need to be open, honest, and willing to work. But a good counselor will facilitate that.
    Still not buying it. Advice and counsel are fine, but they are not the answer.
    The answer lies in the individuals, and if it takes counseling to get to those
    answers then the relationship is doomed, period. Relationships don't need or
    require intermediaries or referees. They require people who are honest about
    their wants, wishes and needs and who possess the ability and intelligence
    to communicate those things.

    As to books and specifically that "5 Love Languages" psycho-babble, if the
    answer to a happy marriage / relationship could be found in a book there
    would only be one
    . Instead we got bookstores with entire sections
    devoted to this drivel and still the divorce rate is hovering at around 50%.
    Yeah all that counseling and psuedo psychology is doing relationships and
    marriage a world of good.
    11-19-08 12:23 PM
  18. gregerator's Avatar
    Thanks to all for your words. I've done my geriving and hold no grudges as that really doesn't solve anything. She's with her new guy and I'm moving on via switching careers and moving. As far as books and counseling, think of it as relational amnesia. Someone reads or hears the right thing and then *click* the light comes on. 5 love languages is a solid book. Good in theory hard to practice. But it is definitely true that people receive love in different ways. I love doing things for people, ie the dishes, driving them somewhere, etc. I think they called it service language. I even wrote some songs for Heidi. Never meant anything to her. Just didn't speak to her. But life goes on. We take the good with the bad. I suppose I actually don't belong in this thread as I'm *unhappily unattached*

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    11-19-08 12:41 PM
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