1. rowie1226's Avatar
    The dark inspiration to write this article came after stalking a group of freshmen girls and overhearing a comment to the effect of I hate my life, theres nothing to do at my college! Like a pack of dogs barking Christmas carols this was sweet music to my ears. Why? Because peoples misery is funny. Funny like pushing a 90-year-old woman down a flight of stairs funny. Sorry JAP-pack but you picked a college in the boondocks, not Long Island. So get used to getting down and dirty, higher education style (with emphasis on the dirty).

    Or take these highfalutin freshmen dudes, strutting around like theyre cool guys of some sort, when I know full well their weekends consist of sitting in their room, riding the red eye express with a box of Kleenex in one hand and a high school year book in the other. Worse still are these girls who have boyfriends back home. Newsflash toots: As you read these words Prince Charming is getting busy with some 800-pound hungry, hungry hippo he met in his Community College Spelling101″ class. Truth hurts, but dont look so down, you have one sarcastic humor writer here for emotional support.

    For the remainder of the non-mutants out there, you may find yourself wondering if theres more to college than sucking the alcohol out of sewers passed off as bars. Maybe youre waiting for that gigantic Kool-Aid jug to suddenly break through your dorm room wall screaming Oh yea, oh yea! and than escort you to a good frat party. Perhaps youre attempting to meet that someone on the Internet. Sure, plenty of people make that special connection online, and theyre called pedophiles.

    The sad reality of your life to come in these upcoming months will consist of taking cabs driven by psychotic hobos to the filthiest dumps known to mankind, where you will then partake in chugging stale beer with the decay of society (this being a 50 year old man named Carl, whos collection of Girls Gone Wild videos has inspired him to think that even he, an obese unemployed construction worker, can get his freak on with a crazy college chick). That run-on sentence isnt meant to sound condescending; in fact, weve all found our social lives approaching dismal stasis including your humble narrator. Below is a personal anecdote of my freshmen year.

    It started when I decided it was high time for a good bender, which entails me being ripped to the tits by sundown. Wasting no time, I Woman Walking Down the Stairs by Muybridgebegan shootin shots like it was the Wild West and soon, like the greatest Western of all time, my hookup standards dropped from good to bad to ugly. Thus, the evening was progressing auspiciously as my last conscious memory was of my roommate gluing assorted lunch meat to his body. Upon waking the next morning (naked as a jaybird I might add) elated, I asked my friends, So guys, last night was got pretty wild. Fill me in on all the crazy things I did, and the response to my dismay was Sorry to break it to you dude, but you passed out at 8 oclock.

    Ouch.

    Hey, maybe Im being too judgmental. Maybe freshmens attitudes have changed since I graduated college. Possibly you guys like partying with the homeless. Maybe the ever-popular Rave scene puts the roof in your roofie for all you date-rapists out there. Like the saying goes different strokes for different folks or more fitting in this situation different bums for different chums (who date rape people). I just hope the freshmen know that this wasnt always the situation.

    While the story Im about to tell may seem like a fallacy, you must believe every word I write for I swear on the garbage can I came from that its the truth. It all began with a group of men with a single dream, that dream being: to get underage kids inebriated. So, they opened magical places where the You must prove youre 21″ sign on the door was like a big inside joke amongst friends. No one cared how old or how young you were, how much class you lacked, or even if you were wearing pants; the only thing that mattered was you loosing the ability to walk by the time you left.

    ThirstyThen the unthinkable happened. In the past, nothing could shatter these institutions of inebriation mission to intoxicate the local youth who came with intents to leave in stretchers. Police, health inspectors, not even Al-Qaeda could deter the savageness. Than the Liquor Authority, or as I refer to them the Hatabators, started cracking down. Probably tipped off by the hordes of Power Wheels and tricycles parked out front, they staked these places out and busted in like the Gestapo. Sadly, drunks sang to them like Bono with a bad case of genital warts, and thus the doors of these glorious pubs closed forever.

    Im really too lazy to write out a conclusion paragraph, so um leave comment or Ill eat your face. Rock on 80s VH1 Flashback style!
    08-11-09 05:24 AM
  2. fabuloso's Avatar
    I too got bored, and bored of reading your jibberish.

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    08-11-09 05:57 AM
  3. MobileMadness002's Avatar
    I tried reading this but could not make it past the 1st paragraph. Mind shortening it to like 100 words or less.
    08-11-09 05:59 AM
  4. o0stryxs0o's Avatar
    Lol it is a little early in the morning for this! Some of us haven't had coffee yet and your ranting about college? Let's try this again at 4 this afternoon! I'm a college student myself, maybe I can sympothize with you then!

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    08-11-09 06:05 AM
  5. Evermore707's Avatar
    Ha! That was great. Now watch all the elitists get their pants flummaxed..
    08-11-09 06:57 AM
  6. davidnc's Avatar
    I too got bored, and bored of reading your jibberish.

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    ROFL ...... yawn i got sleepy trying to read it

    o0stryxs0o: Some of us haven't had coffee yet
    mountain dew for me instead of coffee tho
    Last edited by DavidNC; 08-11-09 at 07:05 AM.
    08-11-09 07:00 AM
  7. crackgirly's Avatar
    I worked all night and actually read the whole thing. But its kind of hard to figure out the synopsis of it.

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    08-11-09 07:45 AM
  8. thinkamp's Avatar
    Perhaps youre attempting to meet that someone on the Internet. Sure, plenty of people make that special connection online, and theyre called pedophiles.
    hahahah!
    i read the whole thing...maybe you SHOULD finish it.
    08-11-09 07:55 AM
  9. cenloe's Avatar
    You forgot to talk about your Blackberry.

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    08-11-09 08:19 AM
  10. thejgeffect's Avatar
    What is the point of this??

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    08-11-09 08:37 AM
  11. molochete's Avatar
    Someone has been listening to the Beatles "Magical Mystery Tour" way too much and reading too much Karl Marx lately...I am not going to say anything else, I dont want to get banned!.
    08-11-09 11:56 AM
  12. xxxxpradaxxxx's Avatar
    Beatles...

    Yummmmmm!
    08-11-09 12:02 PM
  13. KillYouWithMyMind's Avatar
    im assuming this is just practice writing humorous/satirical articles?

    i dont have much constructive criticism but i was entertained at the very least.
    you sound alot like chuck klostermann (especially in his 80's heavy metal autobiography, Fargo Rock City)
    Last edited by RobotnumberOne; 08-11-09 at 01:06 PM.
    08-11-09 12:12 PM
  14. SlydWyz's Avatar
    This was actually fairly amusing. I've seen this type of thing take place numerous times, from both the student and professor perspectives. It might be a bit too long for anyone not fresh out of Univ life to follow, so you might want to add cliffs to the bottom of the post, but it would be interesting to see how you wrap this up. The conclusion should be interesting, to say the least.
    08-11-09 12:20 PM
  15. JustPlainJef's Avatar
    Awesomeness.....
    08-11-09 01:54 PM
  16. wnm's Avatar
    Quite the stream of consciousness.
    08-11-09 03:45 PM
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