07-24-15 03:45 PM
188 ... 678
  1. amazinglygraceless's Avatar
    A man comes homes to find his wife sitting on the couch rubbing
    her cleavage with paper towels.

    Naturally confused he asks her what she is doing and she replies
    "Marge said she saw on Oprah where rubbing your cleavage with
    paper towel will make your breast bigger"

    A few minutes later the husband returns and hands her a roll
    of toilet paper. She asks "what's this for"

    His answer, "This has to be better, just look at what it's
    done to your ____"
    07-23-09 10:54 PM
  2. joefalco's Avatar

    A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

    Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

    'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

    They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

    After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

    They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

    The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

    'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

    'No,' she replies. . .
    Wait for it. .
    It's coming. .

    The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
    She says:

    'You just happened to catch my eye.'

    07-24-09 08:16 AM
  3. drjay868's Avatar
    Wow Joe... that was so corny I literally laughed out loud. My hat's off to you sir.
    07-24-09 08:21 AM
  4. Cecile1957's Avatar
    And that's how the fight started

    One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.*

    The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

    When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"*

    And that's how the fight started.....*

    ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ****

    My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"*

    I replied "Dust".*

    And that's how the fight started.......*

    ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *****

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I *really need you to pay me a compliment.'*

    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'*

    And that's how the fight started.....*

    ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ****

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

    She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'*

    I bought her a scale.*

    And that's how the fight star ted......*

    ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ****

    I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.*

    'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.*

    So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'*

    And that's how the fight started....*

    ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *****

    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'*

    'No,' she answered.*

    I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'*

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'*

    So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'*

    And that's how the fight started.....*

    ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *****

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.

    So, I took her to a gas station.*

    And that's how the fight started......*

    ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *****

    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

    I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.*

    And that's how the fight started......*

    ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *****

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
    I kept staring at a drunken lady swigg ing her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.*

    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'*

    'Yes,' I sighed, she's my old girlfriend.

    I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'*

    'My God!' says my wife.
    'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'*

    And that's how the fight started.....*

    ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *****

    I rear-ended a car this morning.

    So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.*

    You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

    Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!*

    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'*So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'*

    And that's how the fight started......*

    ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *****

    I took my wife to a restaurant.

    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'*

    He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'*

    'Nah, she can order for herself.*

    And that's how the fight started

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    07-26-09 01:56 AM
  5. Cecile1957's Avatar
    Blonde Guy

    An*Irishman, a Mexican*and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

    They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef*and cabbage!

    If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.

    'The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again!

    If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.

    'The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna*again!

    If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

    The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.*

    The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.*

    The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

    At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping..

    She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!

    'The Mexican's wife also wept and*said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

    (Oh this is GOOD!!)

    Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife..

    The blonde's wife said,'Don't look at me. The ***** makes his own lunch.'**

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    07-26-09 02:01 AM
  6. Cecile1957's Avatar
    A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the*United States ..

    He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

    The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."The man goes on and encounters another passerby.

    "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

    The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful * America !"

    That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from the Middle East *I am not American."

    He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

    She says, "No, I am from Africa. "Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

    The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work.


    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    07-26-09 02:05 AM
  7. Cecile1957's Avatar

    He writes:

    I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

    This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

    'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner when ever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

    I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

    That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to bumper.

    Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

    There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

    That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

    Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

    That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

    Statistically, females drive half of these.

    That's 18,000 women drivers!

    In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

    That's 642.

    According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

    That's 449.

    According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide?

    That's 98.

    And 34% describe men as their biggest problem?

    That's 33.

    According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

    That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female
    that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

    Give her the finger?

    I don't think so....

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    07-26-09 12:23 PM
  8. mcjello101's Avatar
    Three men a Japanese, a German, and a mexican were sitting in a sauna. Suddnely there was a beeping noise. The German pressed his fore arm and the beeping stoped. He said that was my pager. I have a micro chip in the skin of my arm. Later a phone rang. The Japanese man raised his palm up to his ear. The others stared at him questionaly. He explanied that it was his mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand.The Mexican feeling low tech but not to be outdone decided that he had to do something just as impressive. So he stepped out the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ****. They all rasied their eyebrows and stared. The Mexican finally turns and says Ay Cabron will you look at that. Im getting a fax.
    08-15-09 11:47 PM
  9. nolimits7's Avatar
    Loooong overdue bump!!!

    Posted with my awesome Z30
    07-17-15 01:46 PM
  10. nolimits7's Avatar
    Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

    So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

    "What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.

    "I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

    His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre,
    kiss me lower."

    Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.

    "Pierre, what are you doing" she says.

    "I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

    They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."

    Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.

    Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

    "I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"
    middbrew likes this.
    07-19-15 09:16 PM
  11. Prem WatsApp's Avatar
    The Pope, Merkel, Hillary and Dubbya Bush are flying in a plane high in the sky. Suddenly an engine goes up in flames.

    Pilot freaks and jumps out with a parachute. They realize there are only three parachutes left.
    Pope: "The billion believers need me, I'm their shepherd...", grabs a 'chute and jumps.
    Bush, grabs one, "My family needs me..." and jumps...

    Hillary looks at Angie Merkel and goes: "Aww...! But there are two parachutes left...!!"

    Angie: "Yeah, Dubbya just grabbed my backpack..."


    ("Fool me once..." , hey? - there won't be a second time in this scenario...)

      "BB Android Armageddon: Chenisys is uploading in 5,4,3..."  
    07-21-15 03:43 AM
  12. nolimits7's Avatar
    Spousal Motivation.

    A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah. The wife told the husband, If that antelope survives this one, Ill give you a blow job every day for the rest of your life. For the results, click on the link.

    07-21-15 09:32 PM
  13. JAS0NB0URNE's Avatar
    Share your jokes-donald-trump.jpg

    Posted with my  Classic
    Peter Johnson4 likes this.
    07-24-15 03:45 PM
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