07-24-15 03:45 PM
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  1. KillYouWithMyMind's Avatar
    i wonder if the cop arrested her...
    07-15-09 11:24 AM
  2. KillYouWithMyMind's Avatar
    my grandfather emailed me this one today, i didnt fell like retyping it.


    > A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has stolen $10 million.
    >
    >
    > The bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational plus, and why he
    > got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper
    > would not be able to hear any thing he'd ever have to testify about in
    > court.
    >
    >
    > When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10
    > million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
    > The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you
    > embezzled from me?"
    >
    >
    > The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million
    > dollars is hidden.
    >
    >
    > The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
    >
    >
    > The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
    > talking about."
    >
    >
    > The Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple,
    > cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
    >
    >
    > The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't
    > tell him!"
    >
    >
    > The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
    > buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
    >
    >
    > The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
    >
    >
    > The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.
    07-15-09 11:49 PM
  3. TheScionicMan's Avatar
    A old cougar was shopping at the grocery store feeling lonely and horny, when the strapping young bagboy catches her interest. She asks for help to her car. As they head to the door she touches his arm and says "I have an Itchy Pus$y." The young man smiles and keeps walking. Feeling maybe he didn't understand, when they reach the door she says it again "I have a itchy Pus$y!" The young man smiles again and starts to look in all directions, in the parking lot she tries one last time, she rubs up against him and says "I've got an itchy pus$y!"

    The young man turns and says "Lady you're just gonna have to point it out cuz I can't tell one import car from the next..."
    07-16-09 02:17 AM
  4. TheScionicMan's Avatar
    If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with the light on, does a hard sleeper sleep harder with a hard on?
    07-16-09 02:18 AM
  5. TheScionicMan's Avatar
    What's the difference between jelly and jam?

    I can't jelly my c**k down your throat!
    07-16-09 02:20 AM
  6. joefalco's Avatar
    Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida,
    are all excited about their decision to get married. They
    go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they
    pass a CVS/Pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in.

    Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
    "Are you the Pharmacist ?"

    The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

    Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

    Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

    Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

    Pharmacist: "All kinds ."

    Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

    Pharmacist: "Definitely."

    Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

    Pharmacist: "Of course."

    Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

    Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

    Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

    Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

    Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

    Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

    Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

    Joe
    07-16-09 09:32 AM
  7. joefalco's Avatar
    A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

    When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

    The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

    After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire life".

    Joe
    07-16-09 09:33 AM
  8. drjay868's Avatar
    A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

    When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

    The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

    After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire life".

    Joe
    LOL!!! Awesome joke Joe!
    07-16-09 10:18 AM
  9. PooThrowingMonkey's Avatar
    I just got pulled over by a cop and he asks me "son, your eye are a bit glassy, have you been drinking?"

    I said "no why...your eyes are a bit glazed...you been eating doughnuts?"
    07-16-09 01:48 PM
  10. joefalco's Avatar
    9 Months Later

    Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Brad . So they loaded up Jack 's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

    'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

    'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

    But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

    He dropped in on his friend Brad and asked, 'Brad , do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

    'Yes, I do.' said Brad

    'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

    'Well, um, yes,' Brad said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

    'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

    Brad 's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

    'She just died and left me everything.'

    (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

    Joe
    07-17-09 07:31 AM
  11. KillYouWithMyMind's Avatar
    thats totally misleading!

    good one.
    07-17-09 08:30 AM
  12. joefalco's Avatar
    Medical Diagnosis

    Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old
    man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly.

    One of the students said to his friend: 'I'm sure the poor old man has
    Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.'

    The other student says: 'No, I don't think so. The old man surely has
    Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we
    learned in class.'

    Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

    They approached him and one of the students said to him:
    'We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk,
    but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
    Could you tell us what it is?'

    The old man said: 'I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you
    two fine medical students think.'

    One of the students said: 'I think it's Petry Syndrome.'

    The old man said: 'You thought....... But you are wrong.'

    Then the other student said: 'I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.'

    The old man said: 'You thought........ But you are wrong.

    So they asked him: 'Well, old timer, what do you have?'

    The old man said: 'I thought it was GAS.......... But I was wrong!

    Joe
    07-20-09 11:15 AM
  13. Cecile1957's Avatar
    Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.

    Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

    As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

    Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

    Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

    He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

    "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.

    I love you, darling!
    Love, Jillian

    "He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

    Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?""Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

    Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??

    "His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

    Broken Coffee Table: $239.99.

    Hot Breakfast: $4.20.

    Two Aspirins: $.38.

    Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    07-20-09 11:29 AM
  14. Cecile1957's Avatar
    A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar...

    FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!

    So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

    Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it.

    Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.

    Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

    The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

    Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

    He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.

    Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

    The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body."Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    07-20-09 11:33 AM
  15. Cecile1957's Avatar
    This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps.

    My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else.

    I agreed to do the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

    I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.*

    I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good.

    I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink.

    I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass.

    I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.*

    When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

    I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was.

    I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    07-20-09 11:37 AM
  16. Cecile1957's Avatar
    Happy Monday! Have a GREAT week!

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    07-20-09 12:02 PM
  17. Cecile1957's Avatar
    TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T

    10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

    9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

    8. You really whacked the he out of that sucker.

    7. Look at the size of his putter.

    6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

    5. Mind if I join your threesome?

    4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

    3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

    2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

    1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    07-21-09 04:24 AM
  18. Cecile1957's Avatar
    TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

    10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

    9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

    8. The cat is on Valium.

    7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

    6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

    5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

    4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

    3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

    2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

    1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    07-21-09 04:26 AM
  19. constantoo's Avatar
    wow great hilarious jokes
    07-21-09 06:03 AM
  20. joefalco's Avatar
    Socrates and Plato

    In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

    One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

    "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

    "Test of Three?"


    "That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The
    first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

    "No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

    "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what
    you are about to tell me about my student something good?"


    "No, to the contrary..."

    "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

    The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test, the filter
    of Usefulness.

    Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

    "No, not really."

    "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

    The man was defeated and ashamed, and said no more.

    This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that
    Plato was banging his wife.

    Joe
    07-21-09 10:51 AM
  21. Cecile1957's Avatar
    TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A V@GINA FOR A DAY...

    10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

    9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

    8. See if they could finally do the splits.

    7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

    6. Cross their legs without rearranging their cr@tch.

    5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

    4. Have consecutive multiple
    orga$m$ and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

    3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

    2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

    1. Finally find that dang G-spot.

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    07-21-09 12:09 PM
  22. joefalco's Avatar
    New Haircut

    Women's version:

    Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

    Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

    Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

    Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

    Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

    Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.



    Men's version:

    Man2: Haircut?

    Man1: Yeah.

    Joe
    07-23-09 08:16 AM
  23. exelant's Avatar
    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would haveto go home and come back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    07-23-09 10:07 PM
  24. exelant's Avatar
    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her? ''Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since. ''My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    07-23-09 10:12 PM
  25. exelant's Avatar
    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. 'The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    07-23-09 10:40 PM
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