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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
Joe07-09-09 01:28 PMLike 0 -
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I like the feel like a woman one. That was a good one.
Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com07-09-09 01:33 PMLike 0 -
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I gotta give the little 9-year-old girl on America's Got Talent last night the credit for this one...
Why do golfers where 2 pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole-in-one.07-09-09 01:34 PMLike 0 -
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The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the, middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the, passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they, rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together, in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
Joe07-10-09 07:31 AMLike 0 -
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07-10-09 08:39 AMLike 0 -
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Billy meets his girlfriend's parents at thier house for the first time. After the pleasantries, they sit down for dinner.
During dinner Billy feels a little pressure and needs to fart but, doesn't want to be embarresed...psst, he passes a quiet one. "SPOT, Get over here!" yells the father at the dog. "Awesome" says Billy to himself, "they think it's the dog". pfffft...he rips a little louder one. "SPOT I said get over here now!!" "Sweet!" Billy thinks to himself...PFFFT-POW-BRAAAT Billy nails one on the Richter Scale.
"SPOT!!! Get over here before he craps on you!"07-10-09 09:31 AMLike 0 -
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A man goes to Ireland on a business trip and decides that while he's there he's going to visit an authentic Irish pub. So, he finds a hole in the wall place, sits at the bar, and orders himself a Guinness.
After a few minutes of drinking, a man sitting in the corner, drinking alone, walks up to the visitor and says:
"Aye thar. Look out that window thar. Yeh see that stone fence? I built that fence with me own two hands. Carried each stone from the quarry, more than a mile away. Placed each stone and then mortared each one into place... WITH ME OWN TWO HANDS. Yeh think they call me McGregor the Fence Builder? Nah."
And he abrubtly walks back to the corner and goes back to drinking alone. The business man figures the man is just a local drunk and decides to ignore him and go about drinking is beer.
After a few more minutes, the man in the corner goes back to the visitor and says:
"Aye. Look out that window thar. Yeh see the roof on that barn? I built that roof, with me own two hands. I laid out all the paper. Marked everything in perfect lines and angels. Cut every cedar shingle and nailed every one into perfect, spotless rows.... WITH ME OWN TO HANDS! Yeh think they call me McGregor the Roof Builder? Nah."
Again, he retreats to his corner and continues drinking alone. The business man figures the man's a little crazy, and drunk, and decides to finish his beer and head back to the hotel before the gets any stranger. But, as the business man is taking the last gulps of his Guiness, the man in the corner goes back to the business man and says:
"Aye thar. Yeh see this bar here? (as he slams his fist on the bar) I built this bar, with me own two hands. Chopped down every tree, cut every board. Planed the wood till it was smooth as can be and when the bar was built, shellacked the whole thing seven times!.... WITH ME OWN TWO HANDS, I TELL YEH! Yeh think they call me McGregor the Bar Builder? Nah.
But ye faak one goat..."Last edited by drjay868; 07-10-09 at 09:35 AM.
07-10-09 09:33 AMLike 0 -
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Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story............
Pay your bills.
Joe07-10-09 10:51 AMLike 0 -
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A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
Joe07-10-09 02:32 PMLike 0 -
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Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story............
Pay your bills.
JoeLOL Both very funny!A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
Joe07-10-09 02:53 PMLike 0 -
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Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a caf�, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that darn fence wasn't electrified."Last edited by thumper80; 07-10-09 at 10:01 PM.
07-10-09 09:58 PMLike 0 -
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here's a fly hovering 4 inches above a river. A fish in the river thinks, "If that fly drops 2 inches, I can jump out of the water and eat it."
A bear in the forest thinks, "If that fly drops 2 inches, the fish will try and eat it, and I'll be able to eat the fish."
A hunter in the hidden in the bushes thinks, "If that fly drops 2 inches, the fish will try and eat it, and the bear will try and catch the fish, and I'll be able to kill the bear."
A mouse near the hunter thinks, "If that fly drops 2 inches, the fish will try and eat it, the bear will try and catch the fish, the hunter will try and kill the bear, and I'll be able to steal the hunter's sandwich."
The hunter's cat thinks, If that fly drops 2 inches, the fish will try and eat it, the bear will try and catch the fish, the hunter will try and kill the bear, the mouse will go for the hunter's sandwich, and I'll be able to eat the mouse."
So the fly drops 2 inches, the fish eats the fly, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse takes the sandwich, and the cat jumps for the mouse, but misses and falls into the river.
Moral of the Story: If the fly drops 2 inches, a p***y gets wet.07-10-09 10:01 PMLike 0 -
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One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it
will take a few inches off of your ****!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of
underwear out of his drawer. 'What the **** is this?' he said to himself
as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April',he hollered into the bathroom,'Why did you putTalcum Powder in my
underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle
Grow'!!!!!!07-11-09 02:44 AMLike 0 -
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.? And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client , James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.? Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
Joe07-13-09 08:47 AMLike 0 -
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An elderly man in Kentucky had owned a large farm for several Years. He had a large pond in the back.. It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Never underestimate age and wisdom.
Joe07-14-09 07:32 AMLike 0 -
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a
while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of your bag.'
'Oh, really? Darn!' said the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if
I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?
'You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no', said the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and
pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the
fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through
the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.
'Well, that seems only fair' laughs the cop. 'OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
what's in the other bag?'
'Well, you know', 'not everybody pays'.
Joe07-15-09 08:43 AMLike 0 -
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HAHA this one was GREAT!A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a
while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of your bag.'
'Oh, really? Darn!' said the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if
I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?
'You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no', said the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and
pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the
fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through
the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.
'Well, that seems only fair' laughs the cop. 'OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
what's in the other bag?'
'Well, you know', 'not everybody pays'.
Joe07-15-09 10:33 AMLike 0
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