[bumblesbounce]

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who's on your wall? art
" " at your door? matt
" " in your mailbox? bill
" " in your pool? bob
" " in your pants? peter

[si_chindo]

Definition of FU**ED: When a man has a house payment, a car payment, a wife and a girlfriend and all four are a month late.

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Hahaha that's good!

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[KillYouWithMyMind]

This joke (according to my mom) is the first joke I ever told when I was 4 years old.
What's black and white and green all over?

2 skunks fighting over a pickle!

A man comes home from his first day of work at a new restaurant in town and tells his wife he's already been fired. His wife, outraged asks what he did to get canned so quickly. "I got my d**k stuck in the pickle slicer." His wife freaks out and jerks his pants off to find everything in working order. Dumbfounded, she asks "well what happened to the pickle slicer?" He replies "she got fired too."

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[KillYouWithMyMind]

How do you get a 1 armed redneck out of a tree?

Wave at him.

I'm a redneck so its ok.

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[skullgame45]

Two lesbians gave me a Rolex watch as a birthday gift. I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch!"

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[skullgame45]

This is the lamest joke ever but is a joke nonetheless!

Two guys walk into a bar, the third guy ducks.

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[KillYouWithMyMind]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "why the long face?"

The horse replies "I'm a horse..."

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[BlackBerryBob]

What's the sweat called between Dolly Parton's breasts?

- Mountain Dew

[skullgame45]

Disclaimer: I am Mexican so I'm allowed to say these jokes. Besides, these are hilarious!

What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?
Cuatro Cinco

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Why cant Mexicans play Uno?
Because they always steal the green card.

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Why can't Mexicans be firemen?
They can't tell the difference between Jose and hose b

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How do you stop a Mexican tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it.

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What do you call a pool with a Mexican in it?
Bean Dip.

----

What do you call a Mexican without a lawn mower?
Unemployed.

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[Cecile1957]

Beautiful by Little Johnnie

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence.

Today's word is "beautiful".

Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?

"Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.

"Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.

"Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen."

Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn.

"Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...'Beautiful, just f*ckin' BEATUIFUL!'

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[Cecile1957]

Fascinate

A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence.

Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating.

"The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."

Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated.

"The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."

So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her chest's so big she could only fasten eight!"

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[Cecile1957]

Do you remember blowing bubbles when you were younger?

Well he called and wants to see you again!

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[Cecile1957]

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a freezer?

A: A freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Question: What is better than roses on a piano?

Answer: Tulips on an organ

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[bumblesbounce]

Two Catholic Bishops are driving in the country and run out of gas near a farm...the only thing the farmer has for them to carry fuel in is an old bedpan. As the Bishops are carefully pouring the gas from the old bedpan into their cars gas tank two Rabbi's drive past them...the one Rabbi turns to the other Rabbi and says, "Can't say much for their Liturgy, but I have to admire their Faith."

[Cecile1957]

Looking for some help...

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.

"The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.

Frankly, you've not been much help so far.

"The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.

You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.

You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

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[KillYouWithMyMind]

What do you call psychic dwarf who breaks out of jail?

A small medium at large!

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[Cecile1957]

Yo Momma's So Smelly

Yo momma's so smelly even sewer rats get out of her way.

Yo momma's so smelly that the only dis I'm gonna give her is Disinfectent...

Yo momma's so smelly even dogs dont smell her.

Yo momma's so smelly she was playin in my Sand Box and the cat came along and buried her.

Yo momma's so smelly she made Right Guard go left.

Yo momma's so Smelly her poops glad to escape.

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[Cecile1957]

Yo Mama's So Dumb

Yo Mama's so dumb i told her Christmas was around the corner, and she went lookin'.

Yo Mama's so dumb that she tripped over a cordless phone.

Yo Mama's so dumb she got locked in a toilet and p*ssed herself.

Yo Mama's so dumb , I told her she lost her mind, and she started looking for it.

Yo Mama's so dumb she got hit by a parked car.

Yo Mama's so dumb when she went to a football game she thought the quarter back was a refund!

Yo Mama's so dumb she stole a free sample.

Yo Mama's so dumb she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer.

Yo Mama's so dumb she waited all day at a stop sign.

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[crs7088]

Do you remember blowing bubbles when you were younger?

Well he called and wants to see you again!

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[si_chindo]

Why do blind people hate sky diving?

Cuz the dog always feaks out.

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[BlackBerryBob]

Yo Mama's So Dumb

Yo Mama's so dumb i told her Christmas was around the corner, and she went lookin'.

Yo Mama's so dumb that she tripped over a cordless phone.

Yo Mama's so dumb she got locked in a toilet and p*ssed herself.

Yo Mama's so dumb , I told her she lost her mind, and she started looking for it.

Yo Mama's so dumb she got hit by a parked car.

Yo Mama's so dumb when she went to a football game she thought the quarter back was a refund!

Yo Mama's so dumb she stole a free sample.

Yo Mama's so dumb she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer.

Yo Mama's so dumb she waited all day at a stop sign.

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Yo Mama's so dumb she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.

[Cecile1957]

Your Mama's So Skinny....

� she has to wear a belt with her spandex!

� she turned sideways and disappeared!

� you could blind-fold her with dental floss!

� she hula hoops with a cheerio!

� she can see out the peephole with both eyes!

� you can save her from drowning by tossing her a Cheerio!

� she had to stand in the same place twice to cast a shadow!

� she has to run around in the shower to get wet!

� I gave her a piece of popcorn and she went into a coma!

� instead of calling her your parent, you call her transparent!

� she swallowed a meatball and thought she was pregnant!

� she can dodge rain drops!

� she inspires crack whores to diet!

� she uses Chapstick for deodorant!

� her bra fits better backwards!

� if she had a yeast infection she'd be a Quarter Pounder with Cheese!

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[Ike Bee]

A rabbi, priest, and a monk walk into a bar and the bartender says, "Get the **** out of here!".

What looks good on a man?
A woman!

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[KillYouWithMyMind]

why is 6 afraid of 7?

because 7 8 9 (seven ate nine)!

i saw the date and couldnt resist.

[ramsfan3068]

I heard that Micheal Jackson has enough plastic in him that they are gonna melt him down into legos so kids can play with him for a change