[judi912]

Okay, so I've been seeing this guy for about 9 months. On our very first date I laid out my ground rules which one of them is he will not be invited over to my house. Main reason being is that I have kids, and I do not want my front door to be a revolving door for men ( so to speak). Now my kids are older(18 and 15) and are not prepared to have another man involved in their life.

Now my "gray area" is upset because he has not been invited over and he feels hurt. I had explained to him, numerous times, my reasons for this and I remind him that on our very first date I had specifically told him that he wouldn't be invited over. Now, if I was sure of the relationship, meaning that this would be the person that I would spend the rest of my life with, of course I would have him over. But I'm not at that point yet.

So, long story short, even though I had set out my ground rules from the get go, does he have a valid reason to be upset?

[SevereDeceit]

Yes, 9 months is awhile. I would wonder why you have not brought me over either. You need to explain to your kids what's going on with you and your "friend". You are their mother and are entitled to be happy. I can promise you that if you don't bring him over soon enough he just might bail on you, especially if he is wanting to settle down. He will find someone who will bring him over to the house. I'm just being real about the situation. Time goes by fast and before you know it, 9 months has already flew by like it just has. you need to figure something out. Especially if he is a keeper...

[Evare]

18 and 15...and they aren't prepared...stop sheltering your kids so much.

[judi912]

Its not so much them as it is me. I'm just not ready to bring someone into my home. My issue was if I had already told him that from the beginning, does he have grounds to complain.

A drastic example would be if I told you early in the relationship that I would cheat on you and you continued on with the relationship and I eventually cheated on you, do you have a right to be upset??

I know that was a bit drastic but it is along the same lines...

I figure if he cared enough, he would be patient and wait until I was ready.

[exelant]

Nine months is a long time, you're not at the beginning of a relationship. That combined with your kids ages - one an adult and one not far behind, it's obvious that, as you say, this is your hang up. Even though you did lay out the ground rules, you have to know that the guy probably didn't think that after almost a year, you would still consider him just a boyfriend. I think it is a credit to his character that he has put up with this for as long as he has.

If you think about it, you are setting the rules and he apparently has no say in the matter. That doesn't sound very healthy. Aren't relationships supposed to be a partnership where each party has an equal say? Ask yourself if your boyfriend is looking at a future where he is always to be considered a junior partner. Maybe it would be best for him if you let him go so that he can find someone with whom he can have a mature two way relationship?

You asked and I put on my Dear Abbey hat.

Edit: Of course it does sound like the guy is crazy about you because he has stuck around. Maybe you could tell him how long your aloof period is going to last and let him decide if he wants to stay. Give him an opportunity to rebuild his confidence in himself - it surely must be shaken at this point.

[Baroness110902]

Exelant said it best.

He will forever be known as Dear Exelant.

[barnettj]

When I first started dating my current wife, I told her I would never get married again. Obviously, things will change as a relationship goes on. I think he is justified in being upset if he feels the two of you have a future together.

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[exelant]

Exelant said it best.

He will forever be known as Dear Exelant.

Why thank you my lady Baroness! I've been on a roll lately, now if only I could take my own advice in my life, haha.

[nursezcalltheshotz]

Nine months is a long time, you're not at the beginning of a relationship. That combined with your kids ages - one an adult and one not far behind, it's obvious that, as you say, this is your hang up. Even though you did lay out the ground rules, you have to know that the guy probably didn't think that after almost a year, you would still consider him just a boyfriend. I think it is a credit to his character that he has put up with this for as long as he has.

If you think about it, you are setting the rules and he apparently has no say in the matter. That doesn't sound very healthy. Aren't relationships supposed to be a partnership where each party has an equal say? Ask yourself if your boyfriend is looking at a future where he is always to be considered a junior partner. Maybe it would be best for him if you let him go so that he can find someone with whom he can have a mature two way relationship?

You asked and I put on my Dear Abbey hat.

Edit: Of course it does sound like the guy is crazy about you because he has stuck around. Maybe you could tell him how long your aloof period is going to last and let him decide if he wants to stay. Give him an opportunity to rebuild his confidence in himself - it surely must be shaken at this point.

I agree 150%!!!

[nursezcalltheshotz]

Its not so much them as it is me. I'm just not ready to bring someone into my home. My issue was if I had already told him that from the beginning, does he have grounds to complain.

A drastic example would be if I told you early in the relationship that I would cheat on you and you continued on with the relationship and I eventually cheated on you, do you have a right to be upset??

I know that was a bit drastic but it is along the same lines...

I figure if he cared enough, he would be patient and wait until I was ready.

I understand your justification...but how long is it going to take you to be ready? The poor guy wouldn't be blamed for not waiting forever for you to invite him over. Your kids are adults...they will be okay!

[arcin220]

I agree, nine months and you still aren't sure? If I were him I would have left by now, he has more patience than I would have had. I say that because I could understand not wanting to let me come over in the beginning but after this long I would wonder as well. You're lucky he has stuck around as long as he has. Good luck. Time to decide if he's really all that important to you. Although it sounds like you already know otherwise you wouldn't have posted about it.

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[SimeonAS89]

Nine months is a long time, you're not at the beginning of a relationship. That combined with your kids ages - one an adult and one not far behind, it's obvious that, as you say, this is your hang up. Even though you did lay out the ground rules, you have to know that the guy probably didn't think that after almost a year, you would still consider him just a boyfriend. I think it is a credit to his character that he has put up with this for as long as he has.

If you think about it, you are setting the rules and he apparently has no say in the matter. That doesn't sound very healthy. Aren't relationships supposed to be a partnership where each party has an equal say? Ask yourself if your boyfriend is looking at a future where he is always to be considered a junior partner. Maybe it would be best for him if you let him go so that he can find someone with whom he can have a mature two way relationship?

You asked and I put on my Dear Abbey hat.

Edit: Of course it does sound like the guy is crazy about you because he has stuck around. Maybe you could tell him how long your aloof period is going to last and let him decide if he wants to stay. Give him an opportunity to rebuild his confidence in himself - it surely must be shaken at this point.

I agree with this as well.

Something else you may want to take into consideration are your kids and how he is around your kids, if it doesn't go so well, then kick him to the curb, but if hes good with the kids, then hes good to go. You gotta just give him a chance.

Believe it or not coming from a single parent, and being pretty much the same age as one of your kids (19 almost 20), I personally would want my mom to date, she too is very careful when it comes to who she brings around us, BUT I don't mind it as long as its not guy after guy. It sounds like you have a pretty stable relationship, so why not give it a shot? Who knows, maybe it'll turn out better than you think and your kids may end up liking him too.

[Kathryn]

While sticking to your ground rules is very good (especially if the relationship is sexual), how will you ever know if the relationship might evolve if you never introduce your guy to your kids? I agree, he should not sleep over, but at least let him come over for dinner!

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[oakie]

dump him and keep waiting on the spineless jellyfish you're lusting for... although it sounds like you found him since he wont just ditch ya like he probably should.

but when you find the right one for you, you can complain to this or any other public forum about how you are annoyed by your spineless jellyfish of a husband.

[leathernuts#WP]

Does he have a username? I'd love to PM him and tell its time to move on!!!

9 months!!! First of all, when emotions are involved, no matter what the rule, there are no rules when if comes to affairs of the heart. He may not have been in love or committed to you in the begining and was fine with your rule and respected that, but obviously after 9 months, he truely cares about you (why), and is hurt. He has every RIGHT to be hurt and if you cared about him in the slightest, you would let him go instead of torturing the poor guy!! Your kids?? Thats an excuse. My wife was the same way when my step son was 6. She did not want me to be seen until we were a sure thing, BUT HE WAS 6!!! (btw, he is now 16). Your kids at 18 and 15 know way more then any of did at that age and I guarantee you nothing would surprise them unless you keep them locked up!!!

Sorry for the rant, but not sure whos more to blame? You or him for hanging on.