1. ShortStop51001's Avatar
    Dear Dogs and Cats,

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

    For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

    The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's ****. I cannot stress this enough!

    To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

    To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
    1. They live here. You don't.
    2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
    3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
    4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

    Remember: Dogs and cats are easier than kids because they:

    1. Eat less
    2. Don't ask for money all the time
    3 Are easier to train
    4. Normally come when called
    5. Never ask to drive the car
    6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
    7. Don't smoke or drink
    8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
    9. Don't want to wear your clothes
    10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
    11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
    ******************

    I found this thru a myspace bulletin and i thought all you animal lovers(like myself) would enjoy this as much as i did
    12-08-08 09:37 PM
  2. raylol16's Avatar
    "The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's ****. I cannot stress this enough!"

    LOL that cracked me up
    12-08-08 09:43 PM
  3. jimmers's Avatar
    Great find and totally true =)

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    12-08-08 09:58 PM
  4. tennislvr8's Avatar
    Dear Dogs and Cats,

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

    For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

    The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's ****. I cannot stress this enough!

    To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

    To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
    1. They live here. You don't.
    2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
    3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
    4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

    Remember: Dogs and cats are easier than kids because they:

    1. Eat less
    2. Don't ask for money all the time
    3 Are easier to train
    4. Normally come when called
    5. Never ask to drive the car
    6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
    7. Don't smoke or drink
    8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
    9. Don't want to wear your clothes
    10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
    11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
    ******************

    I found this thru a myspace bulletin and i thought all you animal lovers(like myself) would enjoy this as much as i did
    WOW---oh my goodness. I swear this was created for my dog. I sleep with my dog more than with my hubby--we cant all fit on the bed - she';s a rotty!!!! All of this is sooo true. I like the list for guests----my husband has actually said this to several (she lives here you don't)!!!!!! Her head is in my lap as I type and she is MAKING me rub her!!!
    12-08-08 10:01 PM
  5. tkerugger's Avatar
    That cat's paw under the bathroom door part is so true! And 'nothing but sarcasm...' Thanks for the laugh!

    -neil

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    Last edited by tkerugger; 12-08-08 at 10:16 PM.
    12-08-08 10:11 PM
  6. fishkat's Avatar
    This is so great! I have potty partners-this is quite disconcerting. I must send this to my Sis, she'll bust up laughing. Thank you

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    12-08-08 10:26 PM
  7. cain0013's Avatar
    Thank you for posting this. I laughed so hard that I think I cracked a rib. .

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    12-08-08 10:31 PM
  8. Kaylajoy21's Avatar
    Has anyone seen the one where its diary of the cat and dog? I will try and find it...its hilarious
    12-08-08 11:00 PM
  9. Kaylajoy21's Avatar
    Found it...

    EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

    Day number 180

    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
    1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
    5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

    Day number 181

    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
    1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
    5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

    Day number 182

    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
    1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
    1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
    5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!



    EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

    DAY 752 -

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
    objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

    DAY 761 -

    Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed.

    DAY 765 -

    Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

    DAY 768 -

    I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

    DAY 771 -

    There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
    placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

    DAY 774 -

    I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
    12-08-08 11:04 PM
  10. cain0013's Avatar
    Lmao. You just described my cat and dog in perfect detail. The cat diary made me spit soda on my dog He's a little pissed, but he always forgives me.

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    12-08-08 11:15 PM
  11. gregerator's Avatar
    You can sell their children! Lol! Oh man. Maybe I will just keep the cats and won't have kids...

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    12-09-08 02:05 AM
  12. teal's Avatar
    Cute and Funny. Thanks. One could almost do a similar rendition for little Grandchildren.
    12-09-08 06:27 AM
  13. xxxxpradaxxxx's Avatar
    Haha this made me crack up!

    Especially the cat diary!
    12-09-08 02:08 PM
  14. UrbanD_Phx's Avatar
    That's just hysterical
    12-09-08 02:43 PM
  15. kurleq1432's Avatar
    Totally awesome!! My beagle is trained to sleep on a floor rug but when he is sick I allow him in my bed with me. The last time, he moved a total of 10 different places on the bed. At one point I had to move my leg (which he was using as a pillow) and he huffed at me. A loud obnoxious huff! Can you believe it? I only had four hours of sleep that night.

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    12-10-08 12:15 PM
  16. dandelos's Avatar
    Too funny!
    12-10-08 12:19 PM
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