[blue81to]

About 8 years ago I used to posted on chellecam, oish, espn boxing board, kissable and stuff like that. I don't feel comfortable about talking about my feelings to people I know in real life. So from time to time I post stuff on the internet. I like to feel anonymous. I kind of hate myself. But I'll get into that later. I stopped talking to people on the net about 2004. Then I started again after the Chrihanna incident. I've always felt kind of isolated from my family. I'm the youngest of 4. My oldest brother is about 7 or 8 years older than me. I dont know exactly how old he is. Then my other brother and sister are twins who are one year older than me. I've always been shy since I could remember. I dont know exactly why. I have a tendency to day dream a lot. I didn't always get along with my brothers and sister but it guess it was kind of average. Most brothers and sisters fight sometimes I guess. Daydreaming is a big problem for me. I live most of my concious life in a fantasy, aloft of of the world around me. But it's kind of... yeah. I dont know. I fantasies too much about everything. I have a bad porn addiction too. I haven't looked in 2 days so far. My oldest brother was in and out of jail a lot when I was younger. So my other brother who's a year older than me has kind of been like who I've looked up to for most of my life. We went to the same school growing up. I was never good at making friends but his friends was kind of my friends too by default. When I was little, sometimes I had a hard time controlling my imagination. I never really talked much when I went outside. I talked at home though. I'm not sure why. I didnt like high school or college. I didnt go to college for long. I've kind of gone from job to job. I had a few semi steady jobs though. I found out I have a large prostate after I got what I think was a MRI. It was the one where you lay on the table and it slide you into a big round magnet. But I actually got the MRI for something else. But they said they couldnt find where the bleeding was coming from and sent me home. But it went away on it's own. But I think I still have a large prostate though. Part of the reason I want a blackberry is because I hope that it will help me feel less depressed. A girl I like has a blackberry and having one too would make me feel closer to her. But today she said she needed to say goodbye. And I was like, are you saying goodbye for a long time. And she was like, is a life time long? And it felt like.... you know. But I could kind of feel it coming. It was only a matter of when. But I still want a blackberry because it would still make me feel closer to her although it's possible we may never talk again. I was kind of poor sometimes while growing up. Sometimes I would go days at a time without food. But that didnt happen too often. I never lived with my dad. He's dead now but we had a few good moments together before he went. I knew he was sick but I didnt know he was dying until near the end. I still felt kind of angry at him but idk. Like, I still had a grudge against him for not being in my life when I was younger. But I dont really feel that way now. I always feel nervous. Like, for no reason. Even in just ordinary social situations. It's constant, like everyday. I never had a girlfriends before. But sometimes I wish I did but other times I just figure that's just how my life is and oh well. But I dont know. Maybe one day. Sometimes I feel like it's hard for me to talk to people. Like, I dont like to be in public in general. I dont like being around my extended family either. A lot of the time I dont like to be around my mom or brothers and sister either. It's not that I dont like people in general but at times I dont like to be around people in general. I just feel uncomfortable. I always worry how people will judge me. I'd rather talk to someone I dont know and will never meet again. Because I could feel a little more comfortable. But that's kind of why I like to talk to people online. Because everyone's kind of anonymous. Although the internet isnt completely anonymous. Everyone has IPs and things of that nature. But it just feels more anonymous. Like, if someone thinks I'm weird than so what. I know a lot of it is just in my head. It feels like I'm stuck in an endless loop of depression. Sometimes I feel ok but it's always a matter of when I'm going to feel depressed again. It doesnt even mater what's going on around me. I'm not that into material possessions. It just kind of comes and goes. I think I've always been depressed off and on since I was little. It feels like I cant really trust my feelings. I try to change but I always end up just giving up again. It's weird. Before I started typing this I felt really bad but now I feel ok. But I'm to complacent. Like, I dont have any drive or passion for life. It feels like I'm just waiting to die. But other times I dont feel enthusiastic about life. I used to live on the twelfth floor of an apartment building. I would always imaging jumping over the rail. It would feel good until I hit the ground. One time it was a blackout in the area so I went and stood on the balcony and I wanted to jump so bad. But I'm glad I didnt because then I would be in ****. I've kind of been avoiding religion lately. I feel ashamed of myself. Like, I have a lot of sinful thoughts and I like having them at times. But I think porn is one of my worst habits. I always feel worse afterwards. But yet I still do it anyway. It's kind of an escape for me. I've tried stopping a lot of times but always start back up. It's more of an emotional escape than anything else. I've stopped working out. I used to work out a lot when I was in high school. But I stopped partly because I was just depressed and also because I started to have pain when I ****. I kind of always had pain when I pooped ever since I was little. Like, I get goose bumps over my whole body almost every time I go poo. It feel like my **** is too big for my hole. But other times the poo is skinny. Like my hole is too small and the poo is squeezed while coming out. I'm not sure exactly what that is. I think I may have food allergies or something. Also one time, when I was in college. I had to **** really bad and it splashed in the water and some of the water splashed on my **** hole. And I didnt even flush it before I used it. But it wasnt anything in it already. But after that my hole felt itchy for a few days. Sometimes I wonder if I caught some type of decease or something. Also another time when I was about 9 or 10 I got poked by a needle when I was trying to clear the grass because I was playing football with some friends. It actually drew blood. But I didnt think much of it at the time. But afterwards I wondered if I caught something. Sometimes I want to get test for like, everything I can think of just to check. I've never gotten any blood test like that. At least I dont think. I dont know. Sometimes I want to try to talk to some of the people I talked to on the internet back in 2001 to 2004. I dont talk to my friends from grade school much. In fact I only really still talk to one and it's only every few months. I didnt make any long term friends in high school. There was one girl that I was obsessed with. She gave me her pager number. In those days pagers were popular. But she stopped talking to me not long after graduation. Looking back, I did have some good times in my life. The last time I've been to a theme park was 17 years ago. It was fun though. I need to get my wisdom teeth pulled. I got one pulled already. I've kind of become obsessed with blackberries lately. It's kind of an escape for me. I've even had dreams about my brother having a blackberry and I asked him if I could have it but he said he still used it. It was a really old blackberry though. I think it was the kind that couldnt make phone calls. Sometimes I look for talismans to help me out. I think it's a mistake because it never works. I guess that's why I want a blackberry. Because she has one. And if I had one we could bbm each other. And it seem like she like her blackberry a lot. Blackberry kind of just reminds me of her. I hope one day we'll talk again. This isnt the first time we've stopped talking but then talked again. But I dont know. I need to find a way to not just shut down completely when I'm not feeling well. Sometimes I just shut off and give up and not even try. I always keep my room junky too. I think it makes me feel comfortable to have a junky room. It matches how my mind feels. Sometimes when I let my room get really junky it's kind of an admission of surrender. I don't really know what's wrong with me. I started posting on chellecam because I saw her on a newgrounds portal. I used to like newgrounds back in the day. I haven't been to newgrounds in a long time. Sometimes I'm afraid to really try hard because I worry that I'll just be disappointed again.

[the_sandman_454]

Um. Sounds like a long chat with a counselor might be a good idea. Good luck.

[LucidBerryThemes]

Can you use paragraphs?

[highjakker]

tell me.....what do you see?

[blue81to]

It looks like a face but it's all distorted or an ink stain.

[jlb21]

I see a dinosaur...likely a T-Rex

[BigBadWulf]

You really need to think about finding someone to trust, and talk to. A professional would be best, but a figure involved in the church of your choice would work too. I'm sorry you have such a struggle in your life. I've been involved with folks having similar issues most of mine, and my heart goes out to you. Keep believing there's reason to continue, because there truly is. Also, expect that any help will take time, and there will be moments it's extremely painful. Nothing worthy comes easy, and really, would we appreciate it nearly as much if it did?

May G_d be with you, and bless you in your life journey. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[kbz1960]

Wow, I couldn't stand to try and read it but from the responses sounds like you really need to get some help. Nothing is ever so bad as we think. Things come and go and get forgot about.

I wish you well and hope you find what you need.

[Rootbrian]

I see a dinosaur...likely a T-Rex

Is there one of a blackberry?

[drb0y]

You really need to think about finding someone to trust, and talk to. A professional would be best, but a figure involved in the church of your choice would work too. I'm sorry you have such a struggle in your life. I've been involved with folks having similar issues most of mine, and my heart goes out to you. Keep believing there's reason to continue, because there truly is. Also, expect that any help will take time, and there will be moments it's extremely painful. Nothing worthy comes easy, and really, would we appreciate it nearly as much if it did?

May G_d be with you, and bless you in your life journey. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Amen. Jesus can heal you. Just give him your all and don't hold back.

Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com