[JCINISTA]

Crackberry... Post things that make you (L)augh (O)ut (L)oud...

I'll start with a joke...

A man escapes from prison, breaks into a house, and finds a couple sleeping. He orders the husband out of bed at knife point and ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, he kisses her neck for a minute. Then the criminal gets up and goes to the bathroom.
The husband hurriedly leans over and whispers to his wife. "This guy is an escaped convict. He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist --- just do whatever he tells you, and with any luck we'll make it out alive. Stay strong honey I love you."
"Oh, he wasn't kissing my neck, "his wife whisperes back. " He was talking in my ear. He told me he thought you were really cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. i told him under the sink. Stay strong honey. I love you too."





A zebra went to heaven. When he saw St. Peter he asked him, "You know, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"
St. Peter said he would have to ask God that question since he's the one that made him.
So the zebra asked God, "God, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"
God answered, "You are what you are."
The zebra left and came upon St. Peter and told him, "Well I asked God if I was a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes..."
"What was the answer," St. Peter asked.
"Well I still don't know. All He said was: 'You are what you are.'
"Well that answers it," Said St. Peter. "You're a white horse with black stripes."
"How do you know that?" asked the zebra.
"Well if you were a black horse with white stripes He would have said: 'You is what you is."



Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"


That's it for now CB! Good night....

[cate]

LMAO.

Lovelovelove it.

Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com

[brownieangel23]

Lmfao, thanks I needed that. (Off to find a joke to post)

Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com

[aleasa]

So a mushroom walks up to a club, but the bouncer won't let him in... He protests and complains saying, "aw come on... I'm a fun guy!"

Ok that's dumb! But miss arkansas just told it at a pageant at my school lol so I thought I'd share. Gah, I should sleep

Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com

[yogi]

I enjoy it.

[JCINISTA]

wow cate!

you have a **** of alot of posts! how do i get to ABUSER status?

[JCINISTA]

Here's a redneck one...

A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that's a good start,” says the professor, “Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That's really good,” continues the professor, “I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

15 students raise their hands.

“That's a great response,” remarks the impressed professor, “has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

Three students raise their hands.

“That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” asks the professor.

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished.

He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor asks, “Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.”

The student replies, “Ghost?!?” Dang, I thought you said ‘goats.’

Good Mornin, CB!

[cuban_dudeca]

Lol keep them comming.

[Duvi]

#1 = Had me rolling...

[mzshey2x]

Taken Joke of the Day email from a co-worker:

The Onliest Joke Ever Told -

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Yo mama.

Yo mama - who?

Yo blonde redneck mama who crossed the road to walk into a bar and screw in a lightbulb - you know your fat, dumb, drunk crooked-politician lawyer mama, who pleasures 12 inch pianists.

[JCINISTA]

Taken Joke of the Day email from a co-worker:

The Onliest Joke Ever Told -

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Yo mama.

Yo mama - who?

Yo blonde redneck mama who crossed the road to walk into a bar and screw in a lightbulb - you know your fat, dumb, drunk crooked-politician lawyer mama, who pleasures 12 inch pianists.

womp womp!

she'll be here all week, folks... make sure u tip you're waitress...

hahaha

[Blacklatino]

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
about having a son. !
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The
wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was
horrified
at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been
fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'Not this time!'

[Blacklatino]

There was a church here in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though, because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said."Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermontewday".

[otacon]

Just some funny statements I got off my email…

*A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. - Gloria Steinem

*After a few weeks of Adam being by himself in the garden of Eden, he got lonely. So he went to God and asked for a companion. God said he would look into it and get back to him the next day. So the next day God went to Adam and said ‘Here Adam, I can make a beutiful partner that cooks, irons, cleans, never complains and is pretty much just what you want, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg, what do you think’ Adam thought for a few seconds and then asked ‘what can I get for a rib?’......So God created woman

*After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “I was a fool when I married you.” she replied “yes dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

*All men are idiots… I think I married their king.

*An English professor wrote on the blackboard: Punctuate this sentence: ‘Woman without her man is nothing’. The men wrote: ‘Woman, without her man, is nothing.’ All the women wrote: ‘Woman! Without her, man is nothing.’

*By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher… and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates

*I haven’t found Mr Right, but I have found Mr Cheap, Mr Sleazy and Mr Wrong.

*I want a sensitive man - one who’ll cry when I hit him.

*If a man says something in the middle of a forest and there isn’t a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

*If all men are idiots, not only did I marry their King, I gave birth to their Crown Prince!

*It begins when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in the sink.

*Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished…

*My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled: ‘Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.’

*My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got two girlfriends.

*Tell a man there are a billion stars in the sky and he will believe you. Tell him there is wet paint on the bench and he will have to touch it to be sure.

*The difference between women and men is that women love their children. They know everything about them, including birthdays, allergies, likes and dislikes. Men are vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. - Dave Barry

*The perfect man: smokes not, drinks not, flirts not, exists not.

*The smartest thing a man can say starts with, ‘My wife says...’

*What’s the difference between you husband and your children? Your children grow-up and leave

[crashovrride]

Haha these are great!

[squiddaddy]

Stuff I think about.

Can you cry under water?

Can a man with no eyebrows look surprised?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

[TeeJayCT]

A guy walks into his kitchen carrying a sheep under his arm. His wife has her back to him at the sink. He Says "Hey! I want to show you the pig I'm screwing!"
She turns around in amazement and says, "Thats a sheep"
He Replies, " I wasnt talking to you."

[TeeJayCT]

If a Bi-Sexual goes missing, do you put thier picture on a carton of half and half?

Can an orphan eat at a Family style restaurant?

[cosmos]

Irish Gas Station

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him, in typical Irish manner, and unaware who the golf pro is, "Top o' the mornin' to ya!"

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So, what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary, an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant, slapping his knee. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of EVERYTHING!"

[King21]

A guy with gun runs into a bank and demands money.

Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asks, "did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "yes sir, I did."

The robber shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

[JCINISTA]

There was a church here in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though, because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said."Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermontewday".
__________________


this one had me...

[JCINISTA]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the
front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she
shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support,
she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:
"Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.

"The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk that Vvvviiiibbbbrrrraaaatttteeeesss?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

The poor old lady replies,"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu knnnoooww hhhowww
tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe fffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"


Smoking Is Dirty.


Good Night CB!

[cosmos]

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.

I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been ****. Your boss called today to tell me you quit

your job & that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked

your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes,

& went straight to sleep after watching all of your soap. You don't tell me you love me

anymore ;you don't want to have sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever! I'm gone.



Your EX-Husband

P.S. don't try to find me. Your sister & I are moving away to West Virginia together!

Have a great life!





Dear Ex-Husband



Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been

married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch

my soap so much because they drown out you're constant whining & griping. To bad

that doesn't work.

I did notice your haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look

like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something

nice I didn't comment. When you cooked my favorite meal you must have gotten me

confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those

silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them &

prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for

10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica , but when I got

home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have

the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures

you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed

Your Ex-Wife, Rich as **** & Free!!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. Hope That's not a problem

[Blacklatino]

Men's Guide to PMS

Women will understand this! Men should memorize it!

Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every Man, husband, boyfriend, co-worker,

significant other, just all men in general! Always Remember, during that special time there are 3 Categories of Responses:

DANGEROUS:

What's for dinner?

Are you wearing that?

What are you so worked up about?

Should you be eating that?

What did you DO all day?

SAFER:

Can I help you with dinner?

Wow, you sure look good in brown!

Could we be overreacting?

You know, there are a lot of apples left

ULTRA SAFE:

Here, have some wine!
or

Want some more wine?

Remember:
Money Talks,
but,
Chocolate
SINGS

[Kara81]

I think I have a good one for you guys... Here it goes!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning", said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money, I'm BROKE!" As she proceeded to close the door, the young man wedges his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty", he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration".

ANd with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darn good appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of BROKE do you not understand???"

LMFAO ROTF!!!!