[Blacklatino]

I think I have a good one for you guys... Here it goes!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning", said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money, I'm BROKE!" As she proceeded to close the door, the young man wedges his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty", he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration".

ANd with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darn good appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of BROKE do you not understand???"

LMFAO ROTF!!!!

That was funny!!

[hal737]

heres another old lady one

An old woman walked into a bank and asked for the manager. He took her into a small room, and asked him if she could take out a loan of $500.000. He asked her how she was ever gonna pay it back.
"I make bets," she answered slyly.

"What?" replied the manager.

"I make bets with people, and win their money. Take this for example: I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"You're on," said the Bank Manager, feeling quietly confident.

The next day granny and her accountant came by the bank and went to see the bank manager.

"Now then," she said, "to make this fair, I have brought along my accountant. Now pull your trousers down."

"OK, anything for 25 grand..." he said

"I'll just get a wee feel now, to make sure."

While granny was doing this, the accountant began to bang his head on the wall.

"HAHA!!! They're round!" cried a delighted bank manager. "By the way, what's wrong with your accountant?"

"I bet him $500,000 that I'd have the bank manager by the balls on Friday morning!"

[lmpotthoff]

Awesome!!! I wish I could remember the jokes I've heard. My brain is overloaded and all the great jokes seem to have fallen out of my ears.

[lmpotthoff]

Oh, got one......

Ask your friends if they've ever smelled moth balls?

If they answer "yes", ask them how they got their little legs apart.

[mzshey2x]

heres another old lady one

An old woman walked into a bank and asked for the manager. He took her into a small room, and asked him if she could take out a loan of $500.000. He asked her how she was ever gonna pay it back.
"I make bets," she answered slyly.

"What?" replied the manager.

"I make bets with people, and win their money. Take this for example: I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"You're on," said the Bank Manager, feeling quietly confident.

The next day granny and her accountant came by the bank and went to see the bank manager.

"Now then," she said, "to make this fair, I have brought along my accountant. Now pull your trousers down."

"OK, anything for 25 grand..." he said

"I'll just get a wee feel now, to make sure."

While granny was doing this, the accountant began to bang his head on the wall.

"HAHA!!! They're round!" cried a delighted bank manager. "By the way, what's wrong with your accountant?"

"I bet him $500,000 that I'd have the bank manager by the balls on Friday morning!"

LMAO!

That made my day!

[hal737]

hahaha i like this one

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

[Kara81]

Thanks BlackLatino

[aton.amen]

GOLD STAR!! Both get GOLD STARS!!

[aton.amen]

I think I have a good one for you guys... Here it goes!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning", said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money, I'm BROKE!" As she proceeded to close the door, the young man wedges his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty", he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration".

ANd with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darn good appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of BROKE do you not understand???"

LMFAO ROTF!!!!

lol.. that was funny!!

[Maximosis]

Stop Talking That Jive

[pooger]

oh crap the horse manure one is terrific

[JCINISTA]

maximosis...

is ur avatar from Coming To America?

hahahaha


Here's another one::/

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

Good night CB!

[Davey]

Amazing!! I got a great early morning laugh. Now I know where to come to pass on jokes for some entertainment

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[cosmos]

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block..'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[chaz_cb]

I was driving through the parking lot at the Mall the other day, hunting for a parking spot. Finally found one, and quickly pulled in. Immediately after that, I heard a very loud, angry horn honking at me. Seems another driver had seen the same spot I just filled. He was so angry about it, yelling and screaming I couldn't even understand him. As I got out of my car, so did he. The man was a dwarf! couldn't have been more than three feet tall. So he walks towards me and says "I'm not happy!!" I think for a second and reply - "oh yeah? then which one are ya?!"

[chaz_cb]

Anyone else? c'mon, let's hear them.

[wickedmind]

RULES TO LIVE BY
Just a few tips to help you get through life with the minimum of stress...

-Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

-Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

-Always **** at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

-Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****ing thing in the first place, you fat *******.

-Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

-Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

-An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

-Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

-Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next *** from the **** of your last one.

-Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

-Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

-High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

-Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

-Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

-A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

-Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

-At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

-Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.

-Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

-Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

-Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

-Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

[wickedmind]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organising the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears and she is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each others clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says... "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[JCINISTA]

RULES TO LIVE BY
Just a few tips to help you get through life with the minimum of stress...

-Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

-Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

-Always **** at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

-Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****ing thing in the first place, you fat *******.

-Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

-Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

-An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

-Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

-Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next *** from the **** of your last one.

-Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

-Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

-High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

-Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

-Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

-A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

-Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

-At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

-Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.

-Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

-Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

-Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

-Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

WTF??! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA... Too much!!



A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating."Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "They're not spiders, sweetheart, they're called Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that gay **** in our garden."

[Tylerd]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!' They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

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[aizecarla]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!' They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com

LOLLLL!!! NAAASSTTTYYY HAHAHHAHA

[Tylerd]

I got it off Joke of the Day from Viigo.

Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com

[JCINISTA]

That was good! I'm laughing in public and people are looking at me like I'm crazy! lol.

[aizecarla]

That was good! I'm laughing in public and people are looking at me like I'm crazy! lol.

i know what you mean lol that happens to me most of the time LOL

[JCINISTA]

I called a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to hook up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. ''Wow!'' I said ''I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!'' She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! ''Yeah,'' I said, ''Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!'' She laughed and told me ''Stop being so silly!'' Then she teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute! ''Anyway'', she said, ''I've put on a couple of pounds myself!'' So I hung up on the fat *****.

That's soo bad! hahahaha