01-29-09 10:25 PM
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  1. teenie.iam's Avatar
    An accountant spends a week at his new office with the accountant he is replacing. On the last day the departing accountant tells him that he has left two envelopes in the desk drawer and that the envelope number 1 should be opened if he ever encounters any sort of crisis in the job and envelope number 2 if a further crisis occurs. Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are wrong - the usual stuff - and the accountant feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "blame me!" He does this and gets off the hook. Three months later at his next crisis he opens the second envelope.

    The message inside says "Write two envelopes".
    01-23-09 03:29 PM
  2. teenie.iam's Avatar
    "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

    "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

    "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

    "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

    "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

    "The coffee machine is broken..."

    " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
    01-23-09 03:30 PM
  3. luv2golf's Avatar
    A little old lady….

    A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, ‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.’

    ‘Oh, really? Darn!’ says the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me…’

    ‘Well, now, not so fast,’ says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money?’ ‘You didn’t steal it, did you?’ ‘Oh, no’, says the little old lady. ‘You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, ‘$20 or off it comes.’

    ‘Well, that seems only fair.’ laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?’

    ’Well, you know’, says the little old lady, ‘not everybody pays.’
    01-25-09 05:35 AM
  4. luv2golf's Avatar
    Quick thinking kid

    In a shop a man asked for 1/2 pound of butter.

    The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1 pound packages were available in the shop, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 pound.

    So the boy went inside to the manager’s room and said “An ***** outside wants to buy only 1/2 pound of butter”.

    To his surprise, the customer was standing behind him. So the boy added immediately, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!!”.

    After the customer left, the manager said “You have saved your job by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?”.

    To this the boy said, “I come from Mexico. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!!”.

    The manager replied coldly, “My wife is also from Mexico”.

    To this the boy asked excitedly, “Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?”
    01-25-09 05:36 AM
  5. teenie.iam's Avatar
    So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are
    365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you
    already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you
    spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only
    91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts
    for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each
    day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You
    normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per
    year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available
    working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year
    which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going
    to take that day off!
    01-26-09 07:15 PM
  6. smokeyjoe's Avatar
    I am born and raised on a farm in Iowa and my sister-in-law from Oklahoma (I love her to death) makes fun of us Iowans all the time and sent me this email today. The sad part is we were reading it and going "yep done that" "yep that's true" Lol! It feels so good to laugh at yourself sometimes! So here it goes.....

    If you're proud that your region makes the national news at least 96 times each year because it's the hottest or the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Spirit Lake Iowa

    If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might farm in* Iowa

    If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Des Moines Iowa

    If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Russell Iowa

    If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in* Iowa

    YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Iowan WHEN 'Vacation' means going east or west on I-80 for the weekend.

    If you measure distance in hours, you might live in Iowa

    If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you might live in Iowa

    If you often switch from 'Heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you might live in Iowa

    If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching, you might live in Iowa

    If you see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings), you might live in* Iowa

    If you install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, you might live in Iowa

    If you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them, you might live in Iowa

    If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might live in Northern Iowa

    If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in Iowa

    If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you might live in Iowa

    If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce, you might live in* Iowa

    If you were unaware that there is a legal drinking age, you might live in Iowa City Iowa

    If Going Down South means Missouri , you might live in* Iowa

    If your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed, you might live in Iowa

    If your idea of going out to eat is a tail gate party every Saturday, you definitely live in Iowa

    If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car; you might live in Iowa

    If you find 0 degrees to be 'a little chilly', you might live in Iowa

    If you actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Iowa friends -- you DO live in Iowa

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    01-29-09 10:25 PM
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