01-29-09 10:25 PM
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  1. rb26naya's Avatar
    There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    LMAO hahahhahahaha
    12-23-08 03:01 PM
  2. smokeyjoe's Avatar
    Ok, let's get this thread moving again because I'm having a bad day!

    A girl is naked in front of the mirror & says 2 her boyfriend "i feel fat & ugly, give me a compliment" he says, "u have perfect vision."

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    01-02-09 08:13 PM
  3. smokeyjoe's Avatar
    Why do women wear panties? because federal & state law requires all manholes be covered when not in use!

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    01-02-09 08:14 PM
  4. smokeyjoe's Avatar
    If you have 10 fish, 5 drown. 2 come back 2 life. How many do you have left?

    Stop counting dumb a$$ fish can't drown!

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    01-02-09 08:16 PM
  5. smokeyjoe's Avatar
    Did you hear that viagra now comes in nasal spray? its for d!ckh**ds! ha!ha!

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    01-02-09 08:18 PM
  6. bigdiesel's Avatar
    This thread is hiliarious! It really makes my day. Please keep the jokes coming!
    01-04-09 10:28 AM
  7. bigdiesel's Avatar
    There was a country middle aged married couple who stayed on a farm. One day the husband was just looking at his wife in deep thought for about 5 mins straight. The wife asks him "what is wrong with you?" The husband walks over to her and grabs her by her breast and said "baby,if i could get milk to come out of these I could get rid of all my cows." Then he took his hand and put it between her legs and said "baby, if I could get eggs to come out of here, I could get rid of all my chickens." The wife looked at him and then she took her hands and put it between his legs and said " baby, if I could get this thing on hard, then I could get rid of your brother!"

    Hope yall like it!
    01-04-09 10:43 AM
  8. luv2golf's Avatar
    Apparently, after every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

    Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.
    Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

    Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
    Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

    Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    Engineers: Evidence removed.

    Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    Engineers: Thats what theyre for.

    Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.
    Engineers: Suspect youre right.

    Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
    Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
    Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    Pilots: Target radar hums
    Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
    Engineers: Cat installed.

    Qantas Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
    01-08-09 03:22 AM
  9. vincet's Avatar
    hehahhaha hilarious indeed!!!! Keep more jokes rolling .....
    01-08-09 03:35 AM
  10. USMCSergeant's Avatar
    "Sergeant (all grades):
    Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the track, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and chews them, and freezes water at a glance. He is God."

    Roger that
    01-08-09 03:36 AM
  11. teenie.iam's Avatar
    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning he alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.
    01-11-09 01:12 AM
  12. teenie.iam's Avatar
    Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
    "Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
    She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then
    said,"Herman, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
    Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!
    Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman,
    remember that blow job I promised you? ..... Here it comes!"
    01-11-09 01:15 AM
  13. teenie.iam's Avatar
    A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

    While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
    Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up"?
    God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
    Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face -lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job,
    liposuction, and a tummy tuck.
    After the last operation, she was released from the hospital.
    While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by an ambulance and killed.
    Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
    "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"

    God replied, "Girrrlllll, I didn't even recognize you!"
    01-11-09 01:17 AM
  14. teenie.iam's Avatar
    I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

    And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in the car
    Last edited by teenie.iam; 01-23-09 at 03:26 PM.
    01-13-09 08:46 PM
  15. teenie.iam's Avatar
    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

    Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

    I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

    Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

    We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

    The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

    And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

    Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

    So the little boy goes off to bed! Thinking about what Dad has said.

    Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
    He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

    So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
    Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed

    The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. "

    The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

    The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s***."
    Last edited by teenie.iam; 01-13-09 at 10:06 PM.
    01-13-09 08:51 PM
  16. USMCSergeant's Avatar
    Those of you familiar with ICAO and USMC might enjoy this story...
    In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination. A pilot overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai. The conversation was recorded and is as follows:

    Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft, you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
    Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
    Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
    Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
    Air Defense Radar: (total silence)
    01-13-09 09:15 PM
  17. iobxchick's Avatar

    Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft, you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
    Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
    Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
    Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
    Air Defense Radar: (total silence)
    I know a couple guys who would get a kick out of that! lol
    01-13-09 11:13 PM
  18. Tigger1975's Avatar
    Lmao!!! Good one!!

    Ok I feel I need to say this again.... Please read what is already posted here before posting any jokes we are getting a lot of repeats on here and I'm trying to avoid that please thanks!

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    01-14-09 06:42 AM
  19. luv2golf's Avatar

    I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.' So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
    01-14-09 03:52 PM
  20. Blkbear's Avatar
    Arizona Three Kick Rule

    A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Arizona. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

    The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Arizona. We settle small disagreements like this with the Arizona Three Kick Rule."

    The lawyer asked, "What is the Arizona Three Kick Rule?"
    The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
    The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"
    Last edited by BlkBear; 01-14-09 at 04:37 PM.
    01-14-09 04:35 PM
  21. Blkbear's Avatar
    Only Three Doors

    An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

    The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

    The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
    01-14-09 04:36 PM
  22. Blkbear's Avatar
    WHAT’S UP?

    There is a two-letter word in English that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
    It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

    At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
    At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
    To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

    And this up is confusing:
    A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
    We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

    To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions
    If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

    When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.
    One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP for now ........my time is UP , so time to shut UP!

    Oh...one more thing:
    What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
    U P

    Don't screw up. Send this on to everyone you look up in your address book.
    Now I'll shut up
    01-14-09 04:42 PM
  23. smokeyjoe's Avatar
    Those are realy good BlkBear! I'll see if I can find some later on tonight.

    Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com
    01-14-09 05:21 PM
  24. Blkbear's Avatar

    There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was “Onestone.”

    He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

    After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,” If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!”

    The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

    Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

    He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

    The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

    Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

    Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

    She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

    Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


    OH, come on... take a guess!!!

    Think about it !!!

    You're going to love this !!!

    Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!
    01-15-09 03:00 AM
  25. teenie.iam's Avatar
    Three friends were stranded on a desert island. After several weeks with no food and no drinking water, they were beginning to lose heart.

    Suddenly, a bottle floated into the shore and a beautiful genie popped out. She said "I have three wishes to grant. Each of you gentleman can make one wish come true."

    Friend number one got excited. He said "I wish I was in Las Vegas with dice in one hand and a drink in the other, surrounded by music, food, and beautiful women." Instantly he was gone, his wish granted.

    Friend number two smiled and said, "I wish I was back home right now with my wonderful wife and our two small children, at our log cabin in the woods sitting in front of the fire and singing Christmas carols together." Just like that, he disappeared.

    The genie asked the remaining man, "And what do you wish for?"

    He answered, "Gee, I wish I had my buddies back to help me decide...".
    01-23-09 03:28 PM
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