07-24-15 04:08 PM
30 12
  1. nolimits7's Avatar
    Simple really. If you have a good joke, please share here. Heck, even if it is not so good, please share as well.
    07-11-15 10:00 PM
  2. nolimits7's Avatar
    First ever joke of the day.

    Murder at Costco

    Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

    A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

    The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.
    Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

    A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

    However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

    Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

    The next day in the Newspaper, the headline declared...

    (You're going to hate me for this....)

    "ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco"
    07-11-15 10:05 PM
  3. jvictor77's Avatar
    Haha! Not bad!

    Posted via Passport  The Beast!
    07-11-15 10:16 PM
  4. kenzo_44's Avatar
    A programming joke!

    > Why do most Java developers where glasses?

    - Because they cant C#

    Posted from Neverland!
    07-11-15 10:17 PM
  5. nolimits7's Avatar
    Lets do another one.

    Sex after death.

    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

    After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. "Marion....Marion!"

    "Is that you, Bob?"

    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

    "That's wonderful! What's it like?"

    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then, I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again!"

    "Oh, Bob! Are you in heaven?"

    "No, I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.
    93Aero likes this.
    07-12-15 10:56 AM
  6. jvictor77's Avatar
    Love it!

    Posted via Passport  The Beast!
    07-12-15 01:15 PM
  7. nolimits7's Avatar
    Hey, it's Sunday. You guys deserve another one today.

    Captain Diego Montoya Garcia.

    Captain Diego Montoya Garcia, of the spanish Armada flagship "Quando" was on the deck one day when his first mate ran up to him and cried "Captain! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

    Captain Diego turned a calm eye to his mate and said "Bring me my red shirt."

    The first mate ran and got the captains red shirt, which he put on.

    A fierce battle raged and the Quando was victorious. After the battle, the first mate asked the captain "Sir, why do you don a red shirt before battle?"

    The captain yawned bravely and said "If I am wounded in battle, the men will not see me bleeding, and they will be inspired."

    The mate was in awe of his wise captain. Just then, another crewman ran up to the captain and cried "Captain! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"

    The captain turned to his first mate and ordered "Bring me my brown pants.
    taveesh likes this.
    07-12-15 07:57 PM
  8. 93Aero's Avatar
    Its hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

    PassportSQW100-1/ Q10SQN100-5/ Posted via CB
    nolimits7 likes this.
    07-12-15 10:20 PM
  9. thurask's Avatar
    The President and First Lady of France are visiting the UK. At an official function, a journalist is conversing with the couple.

    "So, Madame, you are seen as a role model for women around the world. What is the one you think that all women on Earth desire the most?"

    She thinks deeply about the question for a moment, and then proudly answers:

    "A *****!"

    The President buries his head in his palms. Blushing, he replies:

    "Chrie, c'est 'appiness!"

    Posted via CB10
    nolimits7 likes this.
    07-12-15 10:31 PM
  10. 93Aero's Avatar
    "Natalie from down the street just showed me a picture of her new baby on her phone," I said to my wife.

    "That's great," she beamed, "so what did she have?"

    "One of those BlackBerry Bolds I think."
    nolimits7 likes this.
    07-14-15 09:19 PM
  11. 93Aero's Avatar
    It's certainly been a bad week for fruit.

    Blackberry's handset sales are down even further, Jason Orange leaves Take That, Apple's latest iPhone update goes pear shaped, and a giant plum forgets part of his speech at the Labour Party Conference.
    nolimits7 likes this.
    07-14-15 09:21 PM
  12. 93Aero's Avatar
    I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
    -- Steven Wright (SW)
    nolimits7 likes this.
    07-14-15 09:30 PM
  13. nolimits7's Avatar
    07-14-15 10:06 PM
  14. Mo Cat's Avatar
    A man comes home and immediately summons his wife when he enters the house. He informs her she needs to start packing because he has won the lottery.

    The wife joyfully asks "Are we going on holidays?"

    Where the husband replies: "I am but you are going back to your mother."

    CB10 - Passport
    nolimits7 likes this.
    07-14-15 10:09 PM
  15. thurask's Avatar
    Manchester United have signed a new centre forward from Kabul United FC.
    On his first day at training, Louis van Gaal picked up a ball and said: "Ball." Then he pointed at the goal and said: "Goal." Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said: "Kick. Understand? Kick, ball, goal. GOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL!"
    The Afghan striker was a little puzzled by this and summed up the courage to say "Excuse me, sir, but I speak very good English."
    To which Louis van Gaal replies: "Sit down, I'm talking to Wayne."
    nolimits7 likes this.
    07-14-15 10:45 PM
  16. thurask's Avatar
    There is a legal battle over custody of a child between a mother and a father. The judge has heard both what the father and mother had to say and calls forward the child and asks him "Do you want to stay with your Mother?" He replies "No, she beats me". Then, the judge asks "Do you want to stay with your Father?" He replies "No, he beats me". The judge looks confused and then asks him "Then where do you want to stay?" He replies, "The Leafs, because they don't beat anybody"
    nolimits7 likes this.
    07-14-15 10:52 PM
  17. nolimits7's Avatar
    Texas Chili Cook Off‏

    For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from New England.

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions of two judges (Native Texans). They said that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:


    Judge # 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

    Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge #3 (Frank): Holy Mother of God! What is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy


    Judge # 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    Judge # 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    Judge # 3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face


    Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

    Judge # 2: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers

    Judge # 3: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before the flames that come from my ears ignite again. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.


    Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge # 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    Judge # 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. blonde lady is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. They told me chili is an aphrodisiac!


    Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge # 2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge # 3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.! It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


    Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

    Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

    Judge # 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be braver than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore, and I really need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.


    Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    Judge # 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


    Judge # 1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    Judge # 2: This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. I wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili!
    07-14-15 11:06 PM
  18. jvictor77's Avatar

    Posted via Passport  The Beast!
    07-15-15 12:57 AM
  19. nolimits7's Avatar
    Any BlackBerry related jokes out there?

    Posted via CB10
    07-15-15 11:59 AM
  20. thurask's Avatar
    Any BlackBerry related jokes out there?

    Posted via CB10
    Thorsten Heins.

    Posted via CB10
    07-15-15 12:36 PM
  21. nolimits7's Avatar
    Thorsten Heins.

    Posted via CB10
    This certainly qualifies for the "Shortest Joke of the Year" award . Good one. Joke and the punch line all in 2 words.
    07-15-15 08:39 PM
  22. nolimits7's Avatar
    Can't Fool Them Newfs‏ .

    A Newf decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo , he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.
    He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone.

    But first, the Bush Foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree.
    'See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.'

    The Newf promptly answers, 'Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce and she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er.'

    The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree and of a different class.

    'Lord tunderin'jasus b'y! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet.' says the Newf. Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newf has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator!

    One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window.

    'And what about that one?'

    Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newf says, 'A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at most.'

    The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he knows that the Newf is smarter than he is.

    As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newf to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, 'See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree.' The foreman thinks to himself, '*****! How would he know which is the front of a tree?'

    When the Newf reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.

    'Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure,' the Newf states.

    The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, 'How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?'

    The Newf looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, 'Cuz someone took a **** behind it!'

    He got the job.
    07-15-15 10:28 PM
  23. nolimits7's Avatar
    The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

    You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

    The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

    Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

    'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

    Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

    'Been in the business 60 years.'

    Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

    Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

    The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

    Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

    The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
    tli2000 likes this.
    07-15-15 11:22 PM
  24. nolimits7's Avatar
    Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was
    closed for the night.

    They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed
    it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your

    The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

    The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

    The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

    The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
    Again, there was no response.

    Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said
    gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader
    or I will fire!"

    The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't
    want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

    'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and
    opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
    towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a
    burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

    Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
    refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked
    dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his
    big, green head.

    'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He
    damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

    The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
    friend and replied,

    'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels,
    you never mess with a guy who can loop his pen...s over his shoulder twice
    and then stick it in his ear.'
    07-16-15 08:37 PM
  25. middbrew's Avatar
    07-17-15 01:41 PM
30 12

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