10-07-12 01:25 AM
31 12
tools
  1. troshs's Avatar
    I'm bored waiting for a job interview. I think if I get a good laugh maybe I will have an easier time with it...

    Please, have a sense of humor, people

    I'll start. When I was in 12th grade we had this really obnoxious kid in our class. He was always looking for ways to draw attention to himself. Well one day in the cafeteria he decided to indulge in breakfast (which was always a bad idea). Halfway through Psychology he kinda eased up outta his chair while the teacher was lecturing...teacher didn't notice because he was moving so slowly...he ripped one off. Class got a kick out of it, teacher was pissed. For the next 15 minutes he farted every 5...finally on the last one he lifted up his and what came out was NOT a fart...needless to say we had to throw the windows open and this kid was walking out of the class room like a duck with a stick up its ....THANKFULLY he did not leave a trail. He never returned to any classes that day and from what I can remember, the teacher actually asked to move classrooms for the rest of the afternoon.

    Okay, so its not THAT funny...but whatdaya got?
    dmusicman385 likes this.
    07-17-12 09:23 AM
  2. lhsbound06's Avatar
    I'll join. I was working at a job a few years back and I had this co-worker who a lot of other people felt was weird. Well one day it seemed like his stomach was acting up (must've been a bad lunch), and he seemed as if he had to fart. Well unfortunately for said co-worker, it wasn't a fart that came out, it was the good 'ol log of happiness. Lol. My co-worker had to go home and change his clothes, obviously. The funny part about this story is when he ce back, he was still wearing THE SAME SOCKS he had on when he soiled his pants. He had a nice little brown stain on the upper part of his socks. Sick! Lol
    troshs and BB8520boy like this.
    07-17-12 09:44 AM
  3. kbz1960's Avatar
    Sharts are funny unless it happens to you LOL.
    dmusicman385 and highjakker like this.
    07-17-12 09:57 AM
  4. troshs's Avatar
    Hah, thats nasty.
    07-17-12 09:58 AM
  5. lhsbound06's Avatar
    Sharts are funny unless it happens to you LOL.
    Lol if it happens to you then its not funny to you, but it is to everyone else
    kbz1960 likes this.
    07-17-12 10:21 AM
  6. troshs's Avatar
    Actually I have another one to tell...

    Was laying in bed with the boyfriend about to go to sleep (well he was, I was still wide awake) and I heard him snoring. I had to fart, and I was hoping that it wouldn't wake him up....well I ripped arse and he woke up and said "Damn it!" I asked him what the problem was, and he said he was having a dream where he was running around chasing somebody and when he heard my fart in his dream, the person in his dream turned around to find out where the noise was coming from. I died laughing!
    sleepngbear and highjakker like this.
    07-17-12 10:35 AM
  7. sleepngbear's Avatar
    I was a volunteer firefighter many years ago in a very rural town. Just before a monthly meeting we're all finding our seats on metal folding chairs. Most of the members were blue-collar guys and farmers, and many had sizable collections of keys hanging off their belts. One rather large guy let one go that, on top of being loud enough to be heard above all the chatter, rattled his keys on the seat of his chair. That moment gave rise to a new classification of farts called, appropriately enough, a key-rattler.
    07-18-12 12:55 PM
  8. sleepngbear's Avatar
    *** Warning: moderately inappropriate language. ***

    Teacher in an elementary school has her students in vocabulary class and says, "Can someone make up a sentence using the word 'apparently'?"

    Immediately little Johnny's hand goes up. The teacher knows all too well what kind of filth usually come out of little Johnny, so she hopes desperately that someone else will raise their hand. But after a few minutes, only little Johnny is still waving his hand frantically. The teacher thinks to herself, how bad can anything be using the word "apparently", and reluctantly calls on him. "Yes, Johnny?" the teacher asks, "you have a sentence using the word 'apparently'?"

    "Yes, teacher," says Johnny, "but first I have a question."

    "And what is that, Johnny?" the teacher asks.

    "Do farts have lumps?" asks little Johnny.

    "What?!" exclaims the teacher, aghast at this bizarre inquiry.

    "Do farts have lumps?" little Johnny asks again.

    "No," answers the teacher, "farts do not have lumps!"

    "Well then," says little Johnny, "apparently I just p00ped my pants."
    Last edited by sleepngbear; 07-18-12 at 01:36 PM.
    07-18-12 01:34 PM
  9. troshs's Avatar
    Haha, both good ones. Interview went pretty well. Mightve gotten the job...one day I could be the CEO or something and someone will go "Gee, whats the secret of your success?" My answer: "Fart stories. "
    07-19-12 12:31 PM
  10. sleepngbear's Avatar
    The old plastic bench seats in McDonald's used to make awesome natural acoustic amplifiers.
    troshs likes this.
    07-19-12 02:04 PM
  11. sleepngbear's Avatar
    Many, many years ago, my mother's family of mostly Italian lunatics would get together for gatherings for no particular reason other than to get drunk and disorderly, but in a family-oriented sort of way. One such afternoon, about a dozen of them were sitting around the dining room table. Interspersed among them were three of my great uncles, passing a whoopie cushion between themselves, intentionally leaving one 'mark' out of it. As they were all apparently wafting away, the 'mark' happily joined in. After about an hour of this, the more insane of the great uncles finally revealed their secret by waving the whoopie-cushion over the table and calmly declaring, "here's our excuse; what's yours?"
    dmusicman385 and troshs like this.
    07-19-12 02:13 PM
  12. BergerKing's Avatar
    Many, many years ago, my mother's family of mostly Italian lunatics would get together for gatherings for no particular reason other than to get drunk and disorderly, but in a family-oriented sort of way. One such afternoon, about a dozen of them were sitting around the dining room table. Interspersed among them were three of my great uncles, passing a whoopie cushion between themselves, intentionally leaving one 'mark' out of it. As they were all apparently wafting away, the 'mark' happily joined in. After about an hour of this, the more insane of the great uncles finally revealed their secret by waving the whoopie-cushion over the table and calmly declaring, "here's our excuse; what's yours?"
    ROFLMAO! Glad I was comfortably throned when I read this. I nearly blew up!
    troshs likes this.
    07-19-12 07:20 PM
  13. hootyhoo's Avatar
    ROFLMAO! Glad I was comfortably throned when I read this. I nearly blew up!
    A good fart will keep you from blowing up.
    troshs likes this.
    07-19-12 08:02 PM
  14. BergerKing's Avatar
    Yes, but I was laugh-ejecting materials ...
    highjakker and troshs like this.
    07-20-12 01:04 AM
  15. troshs's Avatar
    When I was little, if I farted, my great-grandmother would say, "Oh Heather, did you leave air again?"
    pantlesspenguin likes this.
    07-21-12 02:41 PM
  16. BergerKing's Avatar
    I was stationed aboard a Navy Destroyer, standing duty as Boatswain's Mate of the Watch, supervising the lookouts, helmsman, and keeping things in order.

    It was shortly after midnight as the watch was settling down to the normal routine, and I'd eaten something for dinner that was beginning to make its presence known, and I knew I was gonna have to let it go.

    The officers were having a discussion and training on the port side of the bridge, near the Executive Officer's(XO)seat, and both he and the Captain were in their staterooms. I eased over to the unoccupied area near the Captain's Chair, and broke wind....ever so daintily, and quite silent.

    I eased back over to my station, a small desk at the rear port side, as who should walk in but the XO and the Captain, from opposite sides of the bridge, and the Captain hopped up into his elevated seat, and the XO walked over by him to have a chat.

    A few seconds later, apparently the fartmine detonated, and the CO got a strong dose of it, and exclaimed loudly, "Jesus, XO, couldn't you have stepped out on the bridge wing? Now it smells like a goat locker in here!"

    I eased out of the port side door to 'check on my lookout', and just collapsed in laughter.

    I've had other stories I've had to share, but this one was a peach.
    highjakker and troshs like this.
    07-21-12 03:34 PM
  17. trucky's Avatar
    Northern Tool Supply, end cap between hand winches and battery spotlights, looking at fuel stabilizers...

    Tummy had been churning since Asian lunch buffet with maybe one too many helpings of sushi mixed with General Tso's spicy chicken parts.

    Back in the trailer parts section a little squeaker made itself known and within seconds I was painfully aware of today's lunch potency. This was evil incarnate. I swear I felt my eyes begin to water and I had to move to a new section quickly before becoming overcome.

    Moving into a new safe location I felt my stomach burble and felt the burble move down pathways I never knew existed. This could be bad, I remember telling myself. Another short squeaker, very low volume, yet the results convinced me that an epic event was near at hand.

    Should I make my way to the Men's Room or take my chances and hope it will pass? Either way I already know that anyone in the fallout zone will be doomed so I take my chances back by the fuel stabilizer, near the Men's Room. Not but a few quick trots away, just in case.

    This time, it was no squeaker, more like a very low, subsonic rumble, with a duration that amazed me and, at the same time, made me chuckle at the high quality of the controlled release.

    I stood there for a second or two and suddenly realized "This bad boy could be lethal!" It was a carpet bomb that expanded to fill an area at least 20 feet in diameter and hovered in the zone to be at perfect height to kill.

    I walked down to winches and noticed it followed, but got more bearable, ever so slowly dissipating, but not really going away. By this time I had made my way discreetly to shovels and garden hoses, far enough away to not be associated, yet still close enough to view.

    Here comes a fellow and his wife to the drop zone. He was older, wearing bib overalls with the tobacco stains down the front and a gray beard down almost to his waist. His wife was, let's just say... large. They both followed my original path and by the time they got around to the fuel stabilizer they both stopped dead in their tracks, turned to face each other, blinked a few times. I could see their eyes widen as he blurted out, in perfect southern drawl "What the HAIL is THAT?" Both of them then began looking at the floor as if whatever it is that they're smelling is gonna be laying there. I spose it likely coulda been. "LAWDY ALMIGHTY!!! We need to get OUTTA here!" and I watched as they moved at a very quick pace over to the hand tools section, turning to look behind them every few steps as if this thing was going to follow them. The lady (I did say she was large) seemed to try and stop but smacked into a display and almost knocked it over. It was a science lesson in inertia I guess.

    I don't know about anyone else but I have a hard time stifling a laugh once it gets started. I tried not to look but I could still hear them talking about "that thang!" that almost kilt them. There were just one or two further mini bombs on the way out, all released to exert maximum damage, but none with the spectacular effect of the original.
    highjakker and troshs like this.
    07-23-12 11:58 AM
  18. BergerKing's Avatar
    A few months back, we were driving back home when a particularly lethal rip exploded from my seat.

    My 14 year-old was directly in the path of the green ripper, and had just taken in a huge lungsful when the sound of a scream almost made me drive off the road. Then came the words after a loud gag, 'Help, my eyes are burning, why won't the window go down, aaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhhh!

    Window locks can be soooo much fun....
    dmusicman385 likes this.
    07-23-12 10:16 PM
  19. troshs's Avatar
    Boyfriend does that to me too...wait, we don't have the Subaru anymore so there ARE no window locks anymore! WooHoo!
    07-24-12 10:14 AM
  20. a.crews's Avatar
    Shortly after winter when the snow was melting..i was driving to mall with my girlfriend...suddenly i smelled something terrible..as if a animal was thawed and decaying. As im gagging i look to my girlfriend who is crying from laughing..states "thats not a decaying animal..i farted. The silent ones are the worst!"
    07-24-12 05:35 PM
  21. Rootbrian's Avatar
    I have a few brutal fart stories!

    Okay, during the vast times at school, on the subway, bus and streetcar, even in the storee and elevators, I let out silent and loud ones. Enough to clear out the room. And consider this, I'm a skinny mofo.

    I did clear out quite a few rooms, terrorized a few dozen people and evacuated a subway, or threee. It was so much damn fun...

    You can google or search for "over 300+ farts" and you'll find a video I recorded back in 2009 or 2010. It's amazingly long. There are a few dozen farts I already put on my youtube channel, I still got even more to capture and put together... *evilgrin*

    Let's just say, that I didn't mbody pass out or faint from all those during the time of 1995-2006. Lol I bike now. But when in a public enclosed space, BEWARE!!!!!
    07-25-12 12:14 AM
  22. highjakker's Avatar
    It was the 6th grade. We were having a spelling test and the class was silent. The only sound was from the teacher calling out the words every 15-20 seconds or so. My best friend and I were sitting on opposite corners of the room and were trying desperately to make the other laugh out loud in the dead silence. We were doing the usual messed up faces and lewd pantomime stuff...typical guy stuff. I almost had him...he had to bury his face in his hands and cover his mouth and the anticipation of having him in potential trouble for disrupting the class was so unbearable to me. I was on the verge of busting out too. Just one more funny thing and I'd own him! I was too busy concentrating on not laughing, focusing on keeping my facial muscles locked and not paying any attention to my sphincter muscles. In the dead silence cracked THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER!! Echoes bounced off the pale white painted cinder blocked walls and every head snapped up and looked directly at me. I quickly turned and looked behind me where Johnny Cobb was sleeping with his head on his desk. The laughing had woken him up and when he raised his head and saw everyone looking his way he said "What?" I tried to cover myself and quickly said "You farted Johnny!" to which he calmly replied "That was you Jimmy. You woke me up!"

    The next day I got a note from my girlfriend who in an attempt to salvage her reputation promptly broke up with me. But my friend laughed before I did!
    07-25-12 08:29 AM
  23. mysticmeg's Avatar
    Me and a friend from high school (England) basically were in exclusion where we weren't allowed into class all day and had to do work on the main teachers corridor outside the head of year, principals offices etc. Anyways because we were bored out of our minds during the afternoon session I thought it would be cool to let a silent but deadly fart off that smelt of cabbage (bearing in mind this happened 5 years I still remember) me and my friend couldn't contain our laughter due to the fact the fart was that smelly and when the head of year came she said ' what a disgusting boy' I'm like ermm okay
    07-25-12 09:29 AM
  24. apengue1's Avatar
    I have one that I'll never forget. My family and I went out for supper one night (My mom, dad, brother, and I). After supper we decided to go back home. On the way back home, my dad decides to stop at the gas station and go through the car wash.

    So we're waiting in line for the car wash, and I felt like I had a lot of gas to pass. I didnt want to fart in the car because i could sense it would be a real smelly one! I wanted to try to wait till we got back home.

    Finally, we're up! So my dad drives in, parks the car, shuts off the engine, and the car wash doors close. Great! Just a few minutes longer and I would be home (we live just around the corner).

    Sadly, this wasn't the case, and as much as I tried, cringed, squeezed my butthole tight, etc., one fart slipped out. It was a silent one, so everyone was oblivious to the whole thing. Well, as it started to creep up my nose first, I knew we were doomed. It was one of the most toxic farts of my life to this day! Sadly, it just had to have presented itself during the carwash with all the windows rolled up.

    As the smell started to travel towards the nostrils of my other family members, I feared for the worst. Indeed, everyone started to suffocate in it. My dad especially, who really reacted badly to the fart, started yelling and swearing, and he knew there wasn't any way out! He couldnt open windows, he couldnt leave the car, he was just stuck in the car wash with this horrible, deathly smell!

    Finally, something had to give in his mind. He looked like he was really affected by the smell, and he just wasnt ready to handle it. He opened a window.. my mom's window! The water came splashing in and hit her all over. I couldnt help but laugh at the whole situation, and we think back to it as one of the funniest family moments ever.

    The kicker, it was my mom's birthday that day. Ironically, today is her birthday Ill try to avoid any carwashes today
    07-25-12 10:27 AM
  25. troshs's Avatar
    Haha you guys are good! One thing everyone definitely has...a good fart story...thats unless you're stuck up anyways...
    07-25-12 06:42 PM
31 12
LINK TO POST COPIED TO CLIPBOARD