Originally Posted by
BigBadWolf Damn, SD and Kanga, the feelings your posts brought back in me!
The sight of my mother, ash-white, limp on the floor of her shower. Her wrists slit and blood all over her and the tile. I couldn't believe she was alive from the scene before me. She had also downed a bottle of zannies, and was completely unresponsive. If not for the fire station being a block away, I don't know how she would have made it.
I was 18, my sister was 10. This was the 3rd attempt. I was able to keep my sister from knowing up until then, as the other 2 were OD's. Telling her was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. This time I had to Baker Act her in a desperate attempt to get her turned around. Since she was to be hospitalized for a few months, I asked my grandmother to move in so my sister wouldn't come home to an empty house.
I told them both they could not even enter that bathroom, but refused to tell them why. For weeks, no matter how much bleach I used, whenever I ran the water in the shower, blood would seep up from under the tile. I thought I was going to completely loose my mind trying to get it clean.
I had felt that dreaded feeling since her first attempt 2 years prior, just wondering when it would happen again. She seemed better for a while, but progressively slipped back into depression. Her health was deteriorating badly, which didn't help her mental state at all. It seemed like her entire body was revolting, and at the time I thought it to be mostly mental.
After a couple more years, I had to get away. I knew if I stayed it would be too easy for her to try again, knowing I was right there to finish raising my sister. For several years it was quite depressing to even have a phone conversation with her. It was about 7 years after her 3rd attempt that I started to feel things were turning around. Though her health still continued to fail, she had developed a group of friends, and mentally seemed to be doing quite well. That imminent feeling of doom had faded, though I still hesitated to call her as often as I should of.
If I'd have paid more attention, I'd have realized after my sister graduated high school, that I should have been more concerned. It wasn't long after that my sister moved out, and my mother finally succeeded.
I felt so angry at myself for not being more proactive, and confused at the sense of shock. I shouldn't have been surprised, but thought she had gotten past it, though obviously she had not. For the funeral, I was convinced to have an open casket, but the sight of her was more than I could take.
Since then, the number of people who have passed through my life that spoke of suicide has been amazing. It is with G_d's blessing that I have been able to take from this and help them. At first I thought it just coincidence that they would open up to me, as I almost never bring any of this up with anyone, but it has happened too many times for that. It's taken a long time for me to get to here, but I have to believe it was a gift. My mother was reaching the point where she could no longer enjoy life. I've come to accept that while I might have kept her around longer, in the end her choice was already made. I don't blame her for it, however much I disagree. I believe it to be the ultimate sin against G_d, but pray that He has had compassion on her. If not for the experience, I would never have taken the time to prevent others from making the same mistake. People who had much to live for, and I know for sure would be gone.
It's so funny. I've always avoided the phone, and abhorred cellphones, but I love my Blackberry. CrackBerry has been a place I can go where I've gotten a lot of support while learning how to use it (I don't think the learning will ever stop). A place where I now can help others out, quite often teaming and scheming to a resolution. It's been a place to escape and have fun with some of the off topic threads, though I must admit to having a bit of fun while helping people too from time to time. I hope they've all realized my jokes were just that, and not an attempt to hurt. Yes, to the curve owner, "The only BB with colored lights that hypnotize is the 8100. Sorry!" was not to be mean. There's been threads with lively debate, where we've flamed and been flamed, but like family are still there for each other. But never in my wildest dreams did I expect to come across a thread like this!
Thanks so much for taking the time to tell your stories, and letting me share mine with you.
G_d bless you all. Now, what's the latest on the "I hate" thread...