1. tennislvr8's Avatar
    So my 20 year old daughter got her car impounded in Philly (if you have ever seen Parking Wars you know what I am talking about). She had an expired registration and let her loser 18 yr old boyfriend drive.
    A little history, she had a good job and all of a sudden quit because of "personal reasons". She had no savings and no income. She used her income tax return to catch herself up on her bills. She is still months behind on her car and insurance. Since she recently got a job, I told her I would help her get her car out of impoundment but if he had any fines I would NOT pay his.
    So after traffic court in Philly (not a fun place), he owes over $2200 in fines. She was told because she let him drive her car she had to pay his fines (its legal, i called a lawyer). They want $575 for his fines, then the tow fee and storage fees ($22 a day). Needless to say I refused to pay his fines, shes pissed, he cant get the money. If it is not paid soon, they will auction the car, take what they want to pay fines and fees then pay off car.
    Now she has a job - week old - she is two months behind car payment, about to be 1 month behind in insurance, the car need inspected and will need 4 tires. All of which I would have to pay.
    As a mother I go back and forth to getting the car out (paying his fines) and letting them sell it. This is not the first bail out and I am certain it would not be the last. My hubby says she made this bed (and others) we cant keep bailing her out, maybe now she will learn her lesson.
    Any advice??? Sound off!!!!
    04-06-11 08:41 AM
  2. trucky's Avatar
    What is the car worth?
    04-06-11 11:22 AM
  3. WhoolioPreludee's Avatar
    Sometimes the best lesson is to let things be. Your daughter obviously wasn't responsible enough to not allow her boyfriend to operate her car, and of course 18 year olds are not known for their maturity (and why would a 20 year old get with a "kid". Yes a kid) your daughter needs to understand that you are there, but she needs to take responsibility and its not your duty to always go and make up for her careless mistakes. But also make her own her mistakes and not say " oh ok, well you can use my car". Well that's my advice and that is what I would personally do if my daughter was of age, it may seem mean but in my opinion at a certain age parents are there to assist not to always solve, I wish the best of luck to you and your daughter, but your daughter sure has some growing up left to do.

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    04-06-11 12:01 PM
  4. tennislvr8's Avatar
    What is the car worth?
    The car is a year old and I believe its only a matter of time before it gets repo'd (if she gets it back).

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    04-06-11 02:12 PM
  5. trucky's Avatar
    It sounds like a royal mess. the best thing for her, and for you, may be to just walk away. Tell her to buy a car she can actually afford and don't let loser boy behind the wheel ever again.
    04-06-11 02:16 PM
  6. tennislvr8's Avatar
    Sometimes the best lesson is to let things be. Your daughter obviously wasn't responsible enough to not allow her boyfriend to operate her car, and of course 18 year olds are not known for their maturity (and why would a 20 year old get with a "kid". Yes a kid) your daughter needs to understand that you are there, but she needs to take responsibility and its not your duty to always go and make up for her careless mistakes. But also make her own her mistakes and not say " oh ok, well you can use my car". Well that's my advice and that is what I would personally do if my daughter was of age, it may seem mean but in my opinion at a certain age parents are there to assist not to always solve, I wish the best of luck to you and your daughter, but your daughter sure has some growing up left to do.

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    I agree whoolio, but as a mother (notice I said mother not parent - moms and dads are different). Doing nothing is sometimes the hardest thing in the world to do!!!!

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    04-06-11 02:17 PM
  7. trucky's Avatar
    I agree whoolio, but as a mother (notice I said mother not parent - moms and dads are different). Doing nothing is sometimes the hardest thing in the world to do!!!!
    Doing nothing can also be the best thing you can do, even though it's the hardest.
    04-06-11 02:18 PM
  8. pkcable's Avatar
    The unfortunate ramification of this is going to be her credit is going to take a HUGE shot, but it does sound like a walk away is the best course of action for her. And difficult as it may be "tough" love from you, her mother. BUT her credit will basically be in ruins.
    04-06-11 02:43 PM
  9. dcgore's Avatar
    Hi there, i turned 25 last month and i hope my view on the situation somehow helps. There is no doubt you love your daughter and i don't think that will ever be questioned. If she tells you otherwise is because she's too blinded by this life situation.

    I am sure you've heard the expression "for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction"?...i really believe this is true. She is very lucky to have and count on you for help but there will be times in which you won't be there or simply are unable to provide help. In my opinion, there are many other ways in which you can help but paying for those bills is not one of them.

    I am also sure you have heard of positive reinforcement and paying her bills will do the opposite, it encourages poor decision making, paying her bills conveys a message of no real consequence to her actions; you will always be there to bail her out every time differently put.

    Maybe you can give her a ride to work so that she won't have to pay for the commute or cook her lunch so that she'll save that money and be able to pay her bills faster; i think the more you encourage good behavior and decision making such as having a job, finding ways to save for a greater purpose, owning to her faults and plowing through them, will help far more than just paying for this bill.
    Also, i believe she will look at the negative aspect of the situation and see her current relationship is not helping to the cause.

    Tell and show her that you will help but not in the most convinient, easy, yet incorrect way.

    Best!
    Last edited by dcgore; 04-06-11 at 03:09 PM.
    04-06-11 02:49 PM
  10. xxxxpradaxxxx's Avatar
    I would at the very least pay to have the car taken out of the impound lot.

    If you don't they can file a vehicle abandonment complaint, and the person the car is registered to can lose their license (At least in NJ).

    I would not pay to catch her up on her vehicle.

    I wouldn't pay her significant others fines either.

    Big boys, and Big girls, need to learn their lessons.

    Losing your license is way worse than losing your vehicle. IMO.

    MY parents on the other hand, would not help me out.

    Most likely this is *not* your first time helping her out.

    And if you *do* choose to help her out, it will most likely *not* be the last.

    I'm 23, and have to do everything for myself- my parents still love me dearly, but I'm not 12 anymore.

    She will realize this too.

    Help her, by guiding her- not by funding her.
    Last edited by xxxxpradaxxxx; 04-06-11 at 03:05 PM.
    04-06-11 03:03 PM
  11. tennislvr8's Avatar
    Thanks everyone, once again I know helping her out of this ROYAL MESS is not the right thing to do but once again I hgave weak moments.
    Right now I am transportation to and from work. Once she gets her first paycheck she will be on public transportation.
    Prada- I'm not sure if you lose you lic here in PA or not. Also, the car cannot be released without paying the boyfriends fines.
    I am not at all concerned with her credit.

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    04-06-11 03:14 PM
  12. anon1937793's Avatar
    Aside from the whole loser boyfriend thing, and the concern over her credit rating, and getting to work issues, etc., this is just a case of your daughter being in a "I need significant money or i'm kinda screwed, and you're the only person who can help" situation. It probably happens to most kids at least once while they're growing up. If she was 16, I would say bail her out because she didn't know better. If she was 25, I'd say she's an adult and let her deal with it. 20 is kind of in between... I'd say it depends on what you've done for her in the past. If you've bailed her out before and she just keeps screwing up, at some point you've got to let her deal with it.

    On a side note (coming from someone who had credit problems when I was around 20), it seems to me like this mess can be cleaned up for around $2000 or so. I know you said you are not concerned about her credit, but IMO (assuming you are able to cover it without significantly impacting yourself), $2000 is not worth letting her credit get screwed over.
    04-06-11 04:13 PM
  13. tennislvr8's Avatar
    Aside from the whole loser boyfriend thing, and the concern over her credit rating, and getting to work issues, etc., this is just a case of your daughter being in a "I need significant money or i'm kinda screwed, and you're the only person who can help" situation. It probably happens to most kids at least once while they're growing up. If she was 16, I would say bail her out because she didn't know better. If she was 25, I'd say she's an adult and let her deal with it. 20 is kind of in between... I'd say it depends on what you've done for her in the past. If you've bailed her out before and she just keeps screwing up, at some point you've got to let her deal with it.

    On a side note (coming from someone who had credit problems when I was around 20), it seems to me like this mess can be cleaned up for around $2000 or so. I know you said you are not concerned about her credit, but IMO (assuming you are able to cover it without significantly impacting yourself), $2000 is not worth letting her credit get screwed over.

    I could cover the $2000 however, this is not the first time nor will it be the last (if I keep it up). She needs some kind of wakeup call to get herself together!!!!!
    04-06-11 05:03 PM
  14. chunligirl's Avatar
    i was a "wild child" when i was in college and my early 20s (ok I still sorta am! =P)... so here's my 2cents..

    I wrecked my car my dad bought for me while coming home from a rave when i was 18.. i never told him about it.. i hid it from him and borrowed from friends to get it fixed..

    i ran up credit card bills up to 20K right before I turned 20…

    it took me years to get my act together.. but i did it on my own.. i had crappy credit too (applying for loans either left me denied or with crazy interest rates..)
    I finally finished college (it took me FOREVER though since I had to work full time)..but now i have a career and i co-own a restaurant (if things go well. Ill be co-owning a second location)....i work like crazy but i'm happy to say I got to where I am because I did things on my own

    trust me.. young people are resourceful..if there’s a will there’s a way.. the only people who ask for parents for help are lazy people who don’t wanna jump through hoops to use other resources…

    the day I turned 18 was the last day I ever had my dad pay for anything (that includes college)…If my dad bailed me out for every little thing I did..I’d probably still rely on him until I find some sucker to marry me so I can start relying on that guy too lol.

    Now im independent and take care of my dad…I feel sorry for some of my own friends parents.. I’m telling you..its not impressive to hear “I got drunk last night and lost my keys so I had my mom go to the car dealer with me to pay $280 for a new key and programming of the remote”. Do you want to be that mom? Do you? Lol =P

    Good luck and I wish you all the best.
    04-06-11 06:32 PM
  15. SCrid2000's Avatar
    If you don't say no now, it'll be harder to say no next time. And at some point, you're gonna have to.
    04-06-11 08:36 PM
  16. tennislvr8's Avatar
    Thanks again guys. Like I said I know bailing her out of this one is not the right thing to do. The mom in me just needed ro hear it (and keep hearing it till its auctioned off). This I know she can eventually recover from and hopefully the lesson learned will be enough to straighten herself out.

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    04-06-11 10:07 PM
  17. tennislvr8's Avatar
    i was a "wild child" when i was in college and my early 20s (ok I still sorta am! =P)... so here's my 2cents..

    I wrecked my car my dad bought for me while coming home from a rave when i was 18.. i never told him about it.. i hid it from him and borrowed from friends to get it fixed..

    i ran up credit card bills up to 20K right before I turned 20

    it took me years to get my act together.. but i did it on my own.. i had crappy credit too (applying for loans either left me denied or with crazy interest rates..)
    I finally finished college (it took me FOREVER though since I had to work full time)..but now i have a career and i co-own a restaurant (if things go well. Ill be co-owning a second location)....i work like crazy but i'm happy to say I got to where I am because I did things on my own

    trust me.. young people are resourceful..if theres a will theres a way.. the only people who ask for parents for help are lazy people who dont wanna jump through hoops to use other resources

    the day I turned 18 was the last day I ever had my dad pay for anything (that includes college)If my dad bailed me out for every little thing I did..Id probably still rely on him until I find some sucker to marry me so I can start relying on that guy too lol.

    Now im independent and take care of my dadI feel sorry for some of my own friends parents.. Im telling you..its not impressive to hear I got drunk last night and lost my keys so I had my mom go to the car dealer with me to pay $280 for a new key and programming of the remote. Do you want to be that mom? Do you? Lol =P

    Good luck and I wish you all the best.
    Thanks. Glad everything turned out well for you, it gives me hope!!!

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    04-06-11 10:10 PM
  18. BerryWriter's Avatar
    Sounds like you've been handing her things and bailing her out all her life and as a result you have an adult daughter was raised to believe she doesn't have to do anything for herself or be responsible because mommy will take care of it. Your "weakness" has produced an irresponsible, immature and selfish adult. You reap what you sow. Cut the apron strings and stop being weak. Things will never change otherwise.
    06-16-11 01:38 AM
  19. Rootbrian's Avatar
    Don't bale her out. let her learn the lesson from the issues she got herself into. This is coming from me and my mother.

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    06-16-11 02:07 AM
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