A Valentine's Day Letter to the Blackberry Storm
Published in the Freelance-Star Newspaper, VA:
For Storm suitor, love is blind
February 14, 2009
HE'S JUST NOT that into you. But I am, baby, I am.
Ross Girvan couldn't wait to get his hands on you. Then, once he played around with you for a few weeks, he told me he actually thought about throwing you in the Rappahannock River.
But I love you, BlackBerry Storm. I really do, in spite of what people are saying about you behind your back. I think you have potential, baby. Two-for-one menage � trois connecting anywhere, anytime type potential. Oh, yeah. Verizon Wireless is offering twins for the cost of one, and cheap at $200.
Ross, on the other hand, doesn't appreciate a smart phone making him look dumb, so he couldn't see a serious, long-term relationship with you.
You see, Ross is a doctor in Fredericksburg, and he uses his phone as his pager. It's a lifeline to the hospital. He sorta, kinda needs to get his messages in a timely fashion. If he doesn't, MediCorp might think he's out on the golf course. For some reason, he gets kind of ticked when patients need surgery and he doesn't get the message till he sees their obits in the paper. Well, he's a foot surgeon--but still.
A bigtime CrackBerry addict, Ross was excited when he first saw your beautiful clickable touch screen, which is actually one nice, big, luscious button.
But he says you often failed to ring or buzz while in your holster, and when he took you out, he'd discover messages that were hours old.
He said your "performance" was generally sluggish and that you were too fat. Men can be so cruel. It was him, not you.
So he took you back to the Verizon Wireless store after three weeks, expecting to be given a new Storm that would work better.
"I wasn't offered a new one," Girvan says. "I toId them what I did for a living. And I was told at the store I should get a different BlackBerry--that the Storm wasn't dependable enough for what I needed it for."
The store rep recommended the BlackBerry Curve, and Girvan is happy with her now. I mean "Curve." What kind of bimbo name is that? Men are so predictable.
"I had a BlackBerry 8830 for two years and the Curve is smaller," Ross said. " I've had it almost a month now with no problems."
Yes, Ross is into petite and curvy. He's just not that into voluptuous phones like you.
"I like the concept of the Storm," he said. He thought you'd be fast, and that would bring him an exciting Web browsing experience. The thrill is gone, though. "My opinion is that they probably brought it out to market too quickly." In other words, Verizon was robbing the cradle. But Ross didn't think you were too young when he took you home.
Ross also complained that the learning curve in typing on your touch screen was too steep. In other words, you aren't easy enough.
Then there was the cruel post by a reader on a Wall Street Journal tech blog about trying to type on your click screen:
"im ying ths frm my new srom, it is realy goodd ajd the screen fels so naturl i hnver make mistke. THanks blkbrey"
Verizon says software updates have taken care of most of your technical glitches. And now RIM is opening a BlackBerry applications store like Apple did for the iPhone.
I've touched your clickable screen before and it moved me. We've pushed each other's buttons.
We had a brief date in October and I saw real possibilities for us, unlike Ross. I'm willing to take you back and try again.
So I'm going to ask Verizon to let you spend some more time with me and see if there's lasting chemistry between us.
I remember that when the iPhone first came out, it had its own kinks that had to be massaged. And believe me, I'd like to massage your kinks.
Now people think iPhone is the sexiest thing going. But the iPhone is just too skinny for me, baby.
I personally like a full-bodied, Rubenesque phone. That's just the way I roll.