1. castoridae's Avatar
    George Carlin On The Ten Commandments

    I have a problem with the Ten Commandments. Here it is: Why are there ten? We don't need that many. I think the list of commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten. It's clearly a padded list.

    Here's how it happened: About five thousand years ago, a bunch of reli*gious and political hustlers got together to figure out how they could control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so these guys announced that God— God personally—had given one of them a list of Ten Commandments that he wanted everyone to follow. They claimed the whole thing took place on a mountaintop, when no one else was around.

    But let me ask you something: When these guys were sittin' around the tent makin' all this up, why did they pick ten? Why ten? Why not nine, or eleven? I'll tell you why. Because ten sounds important. Ten sounds official. They knew if they tried eleven, people wouldn't take them seriously. People would say, "What're you kiddin' me? The Eleven Commandments? Get the **** outta here!"

    But ten! Ten sounds important. Ten is the basis for the decimal system; it's a decade. It's a psychologically satisfying number: the top ten; the ten most wanted; the ten best-dressed. So deciding on Ten Commandments was clearly a marketing decision. And it's obviously a bull**** list. In truth, it's a politic; document, artificially inflated to sell better.

    I'm going to show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a bit more logical and realistic. We'll start with the first three, and I'll use the Roman Catholic version because those are the ones I was fed as a little boy.

    • I AM THE LORD THY GOD, THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE
    GODS BEFORE ME.

    • THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN
    VAIN.

    • THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH.

    Okay, right off the bat, the first three commandments—pure bull**** "Sabbath day," "Lord's name," "strange gods." Spooky language. Spooky language designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious mumbo jumbo like this apply to the lives of intelligent, civilized human in the twenty-first century. You throw out the first three commandments, am you're down to seven.

    •HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER.

    This commandment is about obedience and respect for authority; in other words it's simply a device for controlling people. The truth is, obedience and respect should not be granted automatically. They should be earned. They should be based on the parents' (or the authority figure's) performance. Some parents deserve respect. Most of them don't. Period. We're down to six.

    Now, in the interest of logic—something religion has a really hard time with—I'm going to skip around the list a little bit:

    • THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.

    • THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS.

    Stealing and lying. Actually, when you think about it, these two com*mandments cover the same sort of behavior: dishonesty. Stealing and lying. So we don't need two of them. Instead, we combine these two and call it "Thou shalt not be dishonest." Suddenly we're down to five.

    And as long as we're combining commandments I have two others that be*long together:

    • THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.

    • THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE.

    Once again, these two prohibit the same sort of behavior; in this case, mar*ital infidelity. The difference between them is that coveting takes place in the mind. And I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife, otherwise what's a guy gonna think about when he's flogging his dong?

    But marital fidelity is a good idea, so I suggest we keep the idea and call this commandment "Thou shalt not be unfaithful." Suddenly we're down to four.

    And when you think about it further, honesty and fidelity are actually parts of the same overall value. So, in truth, we could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments, and, using positive lan*guage instead of negative, call the whole thing "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful." And now we're down to three.

    •THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S GOODS.

    This one is just plain stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going: Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "O Come All Ye Faithful," you want to get one, too. Coveting creates jobs. Leave it alone.

    You throw out coveting and you're down to two now: the big, combined honesty/fidelity commandment, and the one we haven't mentioned yet:

    •THOU SHALT NOT KILL.

    Murder. The Fifth Commandment. But, if you give it a little thought, you realize that religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.

    To cite a few examples, just think about Irish history, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, our own abortion-doctor killings and, yes, the World Trade Center to see how seriously religious people take Thou Shalt Not Kill. Apparently, to religious folks—especially the truly devout—murder is ne*gotiable. It just depends on who's doing the killing and who's getting killed.

    And so, with all of this in mind, folks, I offer you my revised list of the Two Commandments:

    First:

    •THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE HONEST AND FAITHFUL, ESPECIALLY
    TO THE PROVIDER OF THY NOOKIE.

    And second:

    •THOU SHALT TRY REAL HARD NOT TO KILL ANYONE, UNLESS,
    OF COURSE, THEY PRAY TO A DIFFERENT INVISIBLE AVENGER
    THAN THE ONE YOU PRAY TO.

    Two is all you need, folks. Moses could have carried them down the hill in his pocket. And if we had a list like that, I wouldn't mind that brilliant judge in Alabama displaying it prominently in his courthouse lobby. As long he in*cluded one additional commandment:

    •THOU SHALT KEEP THY RELIGION TO THYSELF!!!

    From George Carlin – When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops (2004)
    I fink dere was 10 on purpose. God knew we were all serious f*ckups so he made too many for us to remember. That way, we're always tryin to member dem an dat's why we gots lent, so's we can say 'Oh jeez, I forgot dat one an dat one -- sorry
    Carl Estes and Cynycl like this.
    03-21-14 09:01 AM
  2. Carl Estes's Avatar
    Sorry, guy, we is the crew, bestowed upon us before the lepronome disappeared, so it was his firstest decree just afore vanishing. You're stuck wif us
    Whew! That was close, I thought The Crew that came with the boat/ship thingy was from The Bull and Whistle.........

    Return to your normal/Abbynormal duties......

    c
    Cynycl and SEAWARRIOR like this.
    03-21-14 09:08 AM
  3. HelliS22's Avatar
    Latest breaking news from Nicos.

    Dead and fallen:
    17 x Olive trees.
    17 x Plant Pots.
    3 x Pomegranate Trees.
    2 x Lime trees
    6 x Cases of Ouzo.
    5 x Cases of Brandy.
    7 x Cases of Champagne.

    Wounded:
    6 x Plant pots.
    32 x Water melons.
    1 x Inflatable dingy.
    3 x Car tyres.
    1 x Beach ball.

    Missing Presumed Dead:
    1 x BMW M5.
    13 x Cases of mixed bottles of alcohol.
    1 x Microwave.
    1 x POPCORN machine.

    Apparently he is not a happy camper............
    03-21-14 09:12 AM
  4. Cynycl's Avatar
    Well it looks like we are all safe for the time being. Should take him a while to reload.
    03-21-14 09:29 AM
  5. HelliS22's Avatar
    Well it looks like we are all safe for the time being. Should take him a while to reload.
    It would certainly appear that he is annoyed about something. It's a little like that time I wired his front door handle to the electricity supply.
    03-21-14 09:51 AM
  6. Carl Estes's Avatar
    It would certainly appear that he is annoyed about something. It's a little like that time I wired his front door handle to the electricity supply.
    I woulda done the seat to the Loo.........

    c
    03-21-14 09:55 AM
  7. SEAWARRIOR's Avatar
    I was an alter boy as well and so was my brother. Do you think it has a bearing on the professions we all chose over being a god pilot.
    yup,,, they're certainly more grounded,,, figuratively, of course...
    Cynycl and Carl Estes like this.
    03-21-14 09:59 AM
  8. SEAWARRIOR's Avatar
    Latest breaking news from Nicos.

    Dead and fallen:
    17 x Olive trees.
    17 x Plant Pots.
    3 x Pomegranate Trees.
    2 x Lime trees
    6 x Cases of Ouzo.
    5 x Cases of Brandy.
    7 x Cases of Champagne.

    Wounded:
    6 x Plant pots.
    32 x Water melons.
    1 x Inflatable dingy.
    3 x Car tyres.
    1 x Beach ball.

    Missing Presumed Dead:
    1 x BMW M5.
    13 x Cases of mixed bottles of alcohol.
    1 x Microwave.
    1 x POPCORN machine.

    Apparently he is not a happy camper............
    hmmm,,, there's only 1 thing that'll make a man that mad,,, a woman...
    Cynycl, Carl Estes and castoridae like this.
    03-21-14 10:06 AM
  9. HelliS22's Avatar
    hmmm,,, there's only 1 thing that'll make a man that mad,,, a woman...
    That is why I keep things very simple in my life when I am home.

    "F. F. F. F."
    Carl Estes and SEAWARRIOR like this.
    03-21-14 10:10 AM
  10. Gooseberry Falls's Avatar
    What about the wotsits? Are they MIA? Let's send out some drones!
    Cynycl and Carl Estes like this.
    03-21-14 10:41 AM
  11. Gooseberry Falls's Avatar
    hmmm,,, there's only 1 thing that'll make a man that mad,,, a woman...
    A moderadiator?
    Cynycl, Carl Estes and castoridae like this.
    03-21-14 10:42 AM
  12. Cynycl's Avatar
    We have an unconfirmed sighting.

    03-21-14 10:56 AM
  13. HelliS22's Avatar
    I was always lead to believe that he could not read.
    03-21-14 11:04 AM
  14. Cynycl's Avatar
    I was always lead to believe that he could not read.
    Good point

    Stand down everyone, it's not him.
    03-21-14 11:08 AM
  15. HelliS22's Avatar
    Problem solved. Look what I found the keys for. It has a tracking device on it so as I have just taken it out of his garage he will have received a text message by now. I think that if I take it for a short trip it may just make him surface. Then again it may just get me shot. Is there anyone with a spare room/barn/tent on the forum.

    Official nuthin' to do with Playbook hijack thread-broscar.jpg
    03-21-14 11:24 AM
  16. bambinoitaliano's Avatar
    George Carlin On The Ten Commandments

    I have a problem with the Ten Commandments. Here it is: Why are there ten? We don't need that many. I think the list of commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten. It's clearly a padded list.

    Here's how it happened: About five thousand years ago, a bunch of reli*gious and political hustlers got together to figure out how they could control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so these guys announced that God God personallyhad given one of them a list of Ten Commandments that he wanted everyone to follow. They claimed the whole thing took place on a mountaintop, when no one else was around.

    But let me ask you something: When these guys were sittin' around the tent makin' all this up, why did they pick ten? Why ten? Why not nine, or eleven? I'll tell you why. Because ten sounds important. Ten sounds official. They knew if they tried eleven, people wouldn't take them seriously. People would say, "What're you kiddin' me? The Eleven Commandments? Get the **** outta here!"

    But ten! Ten sounds important. Ten is the basis for the decimal system; it's a decade. It's a psychologically satisfying number: the top ten; the ten most wanted; the ten best-dressed. So deciding on Ten Commandments was clearly a marketing decision. And it's obviously a bull**** list. In truth, it's a politic; document, artificially inflated to sell better.

    I'm going to show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a bit more logical and realistic. We'll start with the first three, and I'll use the Roman Catholic version because those are the ones I was fed as a little boy.

    I AM THE LORD THY GOD, THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE
    GODS BEFORE ME.

    THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN
    VAIN.

    THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH.

    Okay, right off the bat, the first three commandmentspure bull**** "Sabbath day," "Lord's name," "strange gods." Spooky language. Spooky language designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious mumbo jumbo like this apply to the lives of intelligent, civilized human in the twenty-first century. You throw out the first three commandments, am you're down to seven.

    HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER.

    This commandment is about obedience and respect for authority; in other words it's simply a device for controlling people. The truth is, obedience and respect should not be granted automatically. They should be earned. They should be based on the parents' (or the authority figure's) performance. Some parents deserve respect. Most of them don't. Period. We're down to six.

    Now, in the interest of logicsomething religion has a really hard time withI'm going to skip around the list a little bit:

    THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.

    THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS.

    Stealing and lying. Actually, when you think about it, these two com*mandments cover the same sort of behavior: dishonesty. Stealing and lying. So we don't need two of them. Instead, we combine these two and call it "Thou shalt not be dishonest." Suddenly we're down to five.

    And as long as we're combining commandments I have two others that be*long together:

    THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.

    THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE.

    Once again, these two prohibit the same sort of behavior; in this case, mar*ital infidelity. The difference between them is that coveting takes place in the mind. And I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife, otherwise what's a guy gonna think about when he's flogging his dong?

    But marital fidelity is a good idea, so I suggest we keep the idea and call this commandment "Thou shalt not be unfaithful." Suddenly we're down to four.

    And when you think about it further, honesty and fidelity are actually parts of the same overall value. So, in truth, we could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments, and, using positive lan*guage instead of negative, call the whole thing "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful." And now we're down to three.

    THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S GOODS.

    This one is just plain stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going: Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "O Come All Ye Faithful," you want to get one, too. Coveting creates jobs. Leave it alone.

    You throw out coveting and you're down to two now: the big, combined honesty/fidelity commandment, and the one we haven't mentioned yet:

    THOU SHALT NOT KILL.

    Murder. The Fifth Commandment. But, if you give it a little thought, you realize that religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.

    To cite a few examples, just think about Irish history, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, our own abortion-doctor killings and, yes, the World Trade Center to see how seriously religious people take Thou Shalt Not Kill. Apparently, to religious folksespecially the truly devoutmurder is ne*gotiable. It just depends on who's doing the killing and who's getting killed.

    And so, with all of this in mind, folks, I offer you my revised list of the Two Commandments:

    First:

    THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE HONEST AND FAITHFUL, ESPECIALLY
    TO THE PROVIDER OF THY NOOKIE.

    And second:

    THOU SHALT TRY REAL HARD NOT TO KILL ANYONE, UNLESS,
    OF COURSE, THEY PRAY TO A DIFFERENT INVISIBLE AVENGER
    THAN THE ONE YOU PRAY TO.

    Two is all you need, folks. Moses could have carried them down the hill in his pocket. And if we had a list like that, I wouldn't mind that brilliant judge in Alabama displaying it prominently in his courthouse lobby. As long he in*cluded one additional commandment:

    THOU SHALT KEEP THY RELIGION TO THYSELF!!!

    From George Carlin When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops (2004)
    Someone forget to burp you?

    Posted via CB10
    Cynycl, Carl Estes and castoridae like this.
    03-21-14 11:25 AM
  17. Gooseberry Falls's Avatar
    Problem solved. Look what I found the keys for. It has a tracking device on it so as I have just taken it out of his garage he will have received a text message by now. I think that if I take it for a short trip it may just make him surface. Then again it may just get me shot. Is there anyone with a spare room/barn/tent on the forum.

    Click image for larger version. 

Name:	broscar.jpg 
Views:	296 
Size:	35.6 KB 
ID:	257120
    I can offer a bare spot on my bush. He doesn't know where I live...
    Carl Estes, Cynycl and castoridae like this.
    03-21-14 11:27 AM
  18. Cynycl's Avatar
    I can offer a bare spot on my bush. He doesn't know where I live...
    Doin a little manscaping again?
    03-21-14 11:37 AM
  19. castoridae's Avatar
    thanks for playing,,, but as i was an alter boy, i can tell you that there is no saving to be done here,,, i respect your right to believe in your chosen faith, but keep the sermon for your chosen house of worship,,, & i've found thru my experience, the 1's that preach the loudest are usually the 1's that need it the most...
    I looked back a bit at former posts and it appears that our thread is the only place where the words of wisdom get dropped.
    Maybe he finks we need guidance an is not knowin us to be the rebel type personbodies that we is?
    Carl Estes and SEAWARRIOR like this.
    03-21-14 11:50 AM
  20. castoridae's Avatar
    I was always lead to believe that he could not read.
    That explains all the "wot?'s" he posts all over crackberry
    Carl Estes likes this.
    03-21-14 11:58 AM
  21. HelliS22's Avatar
    I looked back a bit at former posts and it appears that our thread is the only place where the words of wisdom get dropped.
    Maybe he finks we need guidance an is not knowin us to be the rebel type personbodies that we is?
    Well he is from the Bible belt.
    Carl Estes likes this.
    03-21-14 12:00 PM
  22. castoridae's Avatar
    Problem solved. Look what I found the keys for. It has a tracking device on it so as I have just taken it out of his garage he will have received a text message by now. I think that if I take it for a short trip it may just make him surface. Then again it may just get me shot. Is there anyone with a spare room/barn/tent on the forum.

    Click image for larger version. 

Name:	broscar.jpg 
Views:	296 
Size:	35.6 KB 
ID:	257120
    He's also got a yellow one - I want the yellow one! I called it,so I got dibs on that one!
    Carl Estes likes this.
    03-21-14 12:04 PM
  23. castoridae's Avatar
    Well he is from the Bible belt.
    California???
    Carl Estes likes this.
    03-21-14 12:05 PM
  24. HelliS22's Avatar
    California???
    Yes and by the way he doesn't have any yellow car.
    Carl Estes likes this.
    03-21-14 12:07 PM
  25. SEAWARRIOR's Avatar
    A moderadiator?
    i think he's above letting something/someone that trivial get to him unless there was/is something else that already had him fired up...
    03-21-14 12:35 PM
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