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Just an idea but I thought I would share.... I read jokes all the time that are sent to me so I thought I would pass them along anyone else hear a good one lately. Keep it clean please.
Answers About Men...
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their ****-hole and they vaporlock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
And my personal favorite:
6 WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart......Then you are just an old sour fart.
Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com11-07-08 09:53 AMLike 0 -
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I got a good one too!
The Italian Secret of a Long Marriage
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Mario, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Mario replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of alla is that I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The Priest responded, 'Mario, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary.'
Mario proudly replied, 'I'm agonna go get her.'11-07-08 09:54 AMLike 0 -
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Here's my contribution.
What did P say to M?
A: Let's go back to my place.
Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com11-07-08 10:00 AMLike 0 -
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The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all downFinally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note . these are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,we meant the other one.
1 You can either ask us to do something. or tell us how you want it done. Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible,please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1.Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping
Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com11-07-08 10:33 AMLike 0 -
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Love the rules about men. Hilarious!
Since I just watched true blood,
2 vampires walked into a bar,
First vampire orders a bloody mary and the other just orders a cup of hot water
The first vampire laughs at the other and ask what theheck is a vampire doing with a cup of hot water.
The vampire takes out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea"
Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com11-07-08 10:06 PMLike 0 -
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At work tonight one of my buddies got bored and started prank calling the guard shack. We were all sitting there laughing until he got real quiet and started smiling. Then the guard started yelling over the radio about an emergency phone call for a Mr. Peter Goesinya. We lost it. Not really a joke but definitely a classic.
Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com11-08-08 12:35 AMLike 0 -
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Three Things To Ponder
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
Cows
.Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our governmentcan track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago,right tothe stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they trackedher calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11millionillegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
The Constitution.
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't wejust give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, ithas worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
The Ten Commandments
.The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in acourthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou ShaltNot Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full oflawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment
Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com11-08-08 07:49 AMLike 0 -
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This is a bit long and not actually a joke but cute none the less.
> Think you Know EVERYTHING..
.>> Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
>> Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush
.>> The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
>> No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times
.>> Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes
.>> You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
>> Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older
.>> The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
>> The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
>> American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class
.>> Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
>> Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
>> The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets
.>> Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin
.>> The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
>> Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined
.>> Marilyn Monroe had six toes
.>> All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public
.>> Walt Disney was afraid of mice
.>> Pearls melt in vinegar
.>> Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married
.>> The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order
.>> The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases
.>> Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second was William Jefferson Clinton.
>> Turtles can breathe through their ****.......
.>> In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
>> On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year
.>> On average people fear spiders more than death
.>> Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants
.>> Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
>> Women blink nearly twice as much as men
.>> It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
>> The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building
.>> A snail can sleep for three years.
>> No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
>> Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches
.>> Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
>> All polar bears are left handed.
>> In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,> including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
>> An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
>> TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard
.>> "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
>> If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
>> A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
>> The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
>> Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
>> Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow
Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com11-11-08 07:41 AMLike 0 -
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A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.
"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's p.e.c.k.e.r."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."11-26-08 11:53 PMLike 0 -
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One I got via email, for your Harley fans.
------------------------------
The Harley-Davidson Story
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay , so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com11-27-08 05:08 AMLike 0 -
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Holiday Nuts! ------
Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are
Dementia - I Think I�ll Be Home For Christmas Narcissistic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me
Manic - Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Offices and towns and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and... Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
Borderline Personality - Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire
Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I�m Gonna Cry, I�m Gonna Pout, Maybe I�ll Tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells............
Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com12-04-08 08:04 AMLike 0 -
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Chain of command!
General:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives policy to God.
Colonal:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if the sea is calm, and talks to God.
Lt. Colonel:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding Bullet, walks on water in an indoor swimming pool, and talks to God if special request is approved.
Major:
Barely clears Quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occaisionally addressed by God.
Captain:
Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can sometimes handle a weapon without inflicting self-injury, can doggy paddle, and talks to animals.
1st Lieutenant:
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed, and talks to water.
2nd Lieutenant:
Trips over doorsills when trying to enter buildings, says "look at the choo-choo," wets himself with a water pistol and mumbles to himself.
Sergeant (all grades):
Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the track, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and chews them, and freezes water at a glance. He is God.
Hooah!!!
Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com12-05-08 08:50 AMLike 0 -
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7 kinds of sex!
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".
The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/Hubby any more.
She/He takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.
The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month.
But not enough to live on!
Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com12-10-08 05:57 PMLike 0 -
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Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as
a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old
man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John
Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived
by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.12-10-08 07:50 PMLike 0 -
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So a man walks in to see his shrink. The man is naked, but wrapped head to toe in Cling-Wrap. He says "Doc, what's wrong with me?"
Doc says "well, I can clearly see your nuts!"
Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com12-11-08 02:18 AMLike 0 -
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When*to start Cussing....
A 6 year**old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?'**says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started*cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old*continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say*something with **** and you say something with ***.' The 4 year old*agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw,*hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out**of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs*upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his*rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You*can stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and*asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man? 'I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat *** it won't*be Cheerios!'
Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com12-12-08 05:01 AMLike 0 -
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Making a baby!
This is hilarious! There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny. The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, �Well, I�m off now. The man should be here soon.� Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. �Good morning, Ma�am�, he said, �I�ve come to...� �Oh, no need to explain,� Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, �I�ve been expecting you.� �Have you really?� said the photographer. �Well, that�s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?� �Well that�s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat�. After a moment she asked, blushing, �Well, where do we start?� �Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.� �Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn�t work out for Harry and me!� �Well, Ma�am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I�m sure you�ll be pleased with the results.� �My, that�s a lot!�, gasped Mrs. Smith. �Ma�am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I�d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I�m sure you�d be disappointed with that.� �Don�t I know it,� said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. �This was done on the top of a bus,� he said. �Oh, my word!� Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. �And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.� �She was difficult?� asked Mrs. Smith. �Yes, I�m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look� �Four and five deep?� said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. �Yes�, the photographer replied. �And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.� Mrs. Smith leaned forward. �Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?� �It�s true, Ma�am, yes.. Well, if you�re ready, I�ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.� �Tripod?� �Oh yes, Ma�am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It�s much too big to be held in the hand very long.� Mrs. Smith fainted !
Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com12-12-08 08:38 AMLike 0
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