[slackerjack]

I hate the term �iPhone killer,� no less than I hate the expression �Windows Killer,� �Halo Killer,� or any other type of killing descriptor. It�s not just because it�s stupidly obvious that you want what whatever �killing� device to so closely emulate and tromp it�s descripted you might as just as well buy the original and be happy with it; but I for one don�t believe that there�s one cure all be all for anything � cellphones included. I believe in free markets, capitalism and competition within the marketplace- something far too many people have forgotten is a good thing.

Remember when Windows was the only real option for operating systems? Think back to the late 90�s when there was no OSX; Linux was still properly in place in the home stead dungeon of the local penguin T-shirt wearing geek populous. Windows 98 and its follow-up (SE) had been successes and there was just no competition. Do you remember what happened next? That�s right�Windows ME. It wasn�t so much launched as it was released on us like some doomsday plague, infecting the mom and pop machines at the local BestBuy and Circuit City locations with its oozing postulating suck. Thousands of us had to troubleshoot this horrid pile of excrement for our moms and pops, grandparents and other technically challenged family members who �just wanted to ask us one question.� It was horrible, and it was all because Microsoft didn�t have to try to make a decent operating system anymore�we literally had no choice.

Now every generation has to learn this lesson on its own, and this one is no exception. This time around it�s Apple beating the fascism drum. Mindless and drone like are its followers, spouting the verse after verse from the tome of Steve Jobs. First it was the iPod, then the MacBook�s and iMacs, then finally � the iPhone. And endless excuse for clamoring on with corporate propaganda was released amongst the masses. I personally don�t care who you are or what type of electronic device you choose, I was raised to believe that there was more to people than just what choices they needed for their digital needs�sadly I learned that this applied to only some people. I hate die-hard Apple supporters much in the same way that I hate members of Al Queada, mostly because the real die-hards are equally dangerous and waste nearly as much time of my time droning on about Steve Jobs updates as I�m forced to spend staring into CNN to hear about the latest terror attack. It�s not the company, it�s not their actual products, and it�s their zealous fans that turn me off similarly to large hairy chested transvestite swinging its balls on a street corner. It�s these types of people that, I postulate, need brand loyalty to breathe and survive � seething at their PC�s and mobile device, scrolling through message boards looking for inflammatory Maccusations (trademarked) so that they may launch into a fiery tirade about their fruity defendant. Well I won�t do that here; sure there�s plenty of room to accuse Mac fans of using the term �intuitive� in place of the expression �so stupid your cat could figure it out�; or �unified platform� in place of �the same hardware because you monkeys obviously couldn�t figure out how to switch out a processor,� but now we�re just splitting hairs. I�m not fond of Apple for that reason, because they make it so difficult to actually customize either their hardware or software to any extent � making it impossible to eek more performance out of either, but hey, most people using any sort of electronics (and not just Apple Products) are completely stupid, so I can�t say that I blame the company for that decision. It�s in this way that I�m most upset with most cellphone companies, RIM included.

It�s not that I want to overclock my phone, I don�t want to add more memory or anything silly like that � but for the love of god, why am I not able to use my expanded memory to hold applications RIM? And why is it that I can have full control over which antenna�s to use and which wireless router to connect to � but I won�t automatically connect if there are two of them within range of each other (a particular burden as the Starbucks that I frequent is less than 100 yards from my office�s front door). Why RIM Why? In any rate, this piece was supposed to talk about the 9800 Torch, and while I�ve segued into transvestitism and fascism, we�re still on track.
Let�s start from the top shall we. The 9800 Torch is what the Storm 1 should have been�not the Storm 2, the original Storm. It delivers all the features that we should have had years ago in lieu of the water ejaculate sandwich we were served with the side of sure-press technology. The touch screen works, the touch keyboard does as it�s supposed to � there�s slide and swipe and that pinchy-finger thing you do to make things bigger and smaller�its perfect right? Well�no, but let�s keep talking about things that keep my happy before I have to delve into the sea of despair that the phone leaves me in. The inclusion of the web-kit browser is something of note, as it�s really the first Blackberry that can �surf the web� as opposed to swimming around in circles at the shallow end of the kiddy pool because you�ve only got one arm and one leg � which we�ve been doing on the web with every other Blackberry until this one. The Browser, while a bit slow at times and on particular sites is completely functional and serviceable. I mentioned this in my earlier quick impressions � but I�m not one for sitting around with a stop watch comparing the different phones browsing capabilities � I have much better things to do with my time, like wanking with my free hand while making little circles on the touch screen of the 9800, which I�m returning tomorrow � so make sure you clean one if you happen to pick one up. I�m sure the browser is slower than what�s offered on iPhones and Androids, there I said it, it�s in the open and I don�t care. Why? Because I don�t use iPhones and Androids and therefore, I could give two pigeon turds about how fast they go. I know that it�s faster than any Blackberry I�ve used previous and is thusly a success.

The video produced by the device is similarly successful, thankfully due to the lower resolution screen thereby obscuring the terrible video posted on most internet sites. Say what you will about a higher definition screen � personally, I think high resolution displays for web-based video is about as detrimental to DVD and then HD-video was to pornography, where the sight of a 1080p ingrown hair on the side of a now assuredly more recognizable disease infested labia is thrust forward and back toward your face in all its realistic glory. Thank you, I�ll remember fondly the days of VHS porn with all its blissfully low definition masking qualities.

Also mentioned in my earlier preview, the musical suite presented is solid on the Blackberry Torch 9800�Bold; which is far too long a name for a small piece of plastic designed to take phone calls and send emails. Options for randomizing songs, creating playlists skipping tracks and scanning through music are all present and easy to use. For the armchair DJ, no you are not going to be able to mix music or output that material through some high definition audio port � and I�m glad, it�s a phone. Needlessly complicating, what�s supposed to be, a simple user experience can be messy, and for that � I will say that the Blackberry Torch is a successful device.

Overall, navigation of the interface is simple, intuitive (at least to a Blackberry User), icons are familiar and the new material is presented in a way as most us with an opposable thumb can figure it out. RSS feeds are easy to manage and navigate, applications have their own place and are easily accessible � and, again to a Blackberry User, this will be an easy transition. But what about non-Blackberry Users you say? How will they transition? They won�t. Those of you with die-hard Blackberry habits know already if you are or aren�t going to upgrade to this device, and sadly � no one whose into (and I hate myself for using this expression) �Blingy� phones aren�t going to go flocking to it either. It�s not a bad device; it�s just not the type of device those who love those Jones�s so much they�ll chase them across broken glass if necessary. It�s functional, sleek, easy to use and comfortable � like the Lexus of the cellphone world really, the issue is that bling-oriented crowd is really looking for Lamborghini�s and Ferraris. Those of us stuck squarely in the middle class, I�m ashamed to say, will be left arguing over whose better � Mercedes, BMW or Lexus�until we all die.

The major issue here isn�t that one is glaringly �better� than another � the iPhone for all its Apple-ness, has its good points � high resolution screen, cool apply things, etc., but Blackberry will offer superior security and better email service, while Androids will continue to do flashy things with video and HD content assuredly. Which one is better is irrelevant, which one is more tailored for you is ultimately more important. The other main issue is that everyone has this deep seeded need to be validated, patted on the back for making a correct decision�and to these people I say �put on your big girl panties and realize that you don�t need our approval, if you�re happy with your device, great.� This sounds funny, but if you think through the complete form of �fanaticism� it�s ultimately the quest for validation and approval to the point that you eliminate any competing arguments. Hopefully that derailed sweaty fingers itchy to type a reply insulting my choice in phones � but I realize it probably won�t. People have lots of issues; most of them rear their ugly heads in other aspects of their lives, brand loyalty to the point of communism is only one of them. That being said, I would be remiss if I didn�t share the opposing points of my glowing review of the Blackberry�so let�s get to what all the opposition has been waiting for, my gripes.

It�s a genuine disappointment to me that the Blackberry Torch shipped without a GL chip, to the point of screaming toward Canada in a genocidal fashion �Why? Why? Why?� It wasn�t too long ago that RIM made all sorts of noise about dedicated GPU processors to handle 3d games and to release their new flagship device sans said feature just seems ludicrous to me. It�s like the man who goes out on a date with a pretty girl, telling her he�s a doctor who drives an expensive car and lives in a villa overlooking a pristine lake. �Oh come back to my house, we�ll sail and have the chef cook up a truffle salad,� he says � but when they arrive in his one bedroom studio on the wrong side of town, he beats her and steals her money�I�m the girl in this analogy, and for some reason I envision myself wearing a pink dress and pretty shoes. That was nearly as disturbing as learning that the STORM 2, of all devices, has a one-up on the new RIM flagship product.

The older CPU and memory issues seem to keep popping up around the internet and among ravenous rabid masses � but I don�t know that it�s as big an issue today as it will be six months from now. Sure, on paper the Torch isn�t as appealing as its competition�there�s no GHz after the processor number, but after having some hands on time with a retail unit, I can say that it didn�t show. The application memory on the other hand is infuriating. RIM, look, we need to talk � memory is cheap these days and it�s the one thing that can significantly expand the lifecycle of your device and keep the raving masses pacified. How cheap you say? I got a 1 GB stick of memory with a game I bought four years ago�.a fifty dollar computer game came with a 1 GB stick of ram. The other day, I got some memory in a box of Frosted Flakes; they�re giving this stuff away. I have a hard time believing that it�s fundamentally impossible to include at least 2 GB of application memory on every device as standard. I applaud your inclusion of expandable storage memory, in my opinion, an amazing advantage over your Apple competition which currently only comes with built in memory for storage�Apple, we�ll talk next. But, back to you RIM, you have to�no, that�s really the wrong wording�you�ve had to figure out how to get expandable storage media to run your applications for quite some time.

The camera and video capabilities have come under fire as well � and I think that�s unjustified. The Torch offers the best camera available on a Blackberry; the video recording content is capable as well. Those of you clamoring on about how it�s not a 12mp camera or a 720p recording phone�shut up, I don�t care. Not because some other device can do such a thing, but because I hate when people throw technical terms at me like they�re supposed to matter. The issue seems to be that people believe you can take a 12mp picture on a camera phone and expect it to look better than a 5mp camera�it won�t, you won�t have access to lenses, macros, a decent flash or anything else that makes a good picture. Can you take a passable picture suitable for your Facebook page of a drunken Friday night when your best friend passed out and you drew big penises all over his face? Sure you can do that on a 5mp or 12mp camera�it�ll look very similar; only the 12mp picture will show slightly larger penises. The video recording has me even more a-gasp. Why on earth would you want to take a 720p video from your camera phone, and how long do you really expect to be recording that video? Everyone in this country is in love, or maybe just enamored with �checkbox� features these days, put HD next to anything and people buy it � I think it�s the same phenomenon we�re seeing here. The glaring reality is that most people wouldn�t know a 720p video versus a 520p video if I showed them side by side with no other indicator. Enough griping, to the Blackberry Torch�s advantage � its camera and picture suite is far more robust that what I�ve seen on other phones.

So is that it? No � It�s my review and I get a chance to go on as long as I want. Other little irritations: Landscape mode doesn�t scale quickly enough when flipped over from portrait mode, it�s sluggish. It�s a curious problem, and I�d be quick to dismiss it as a CPU limitation but pages don�t render any slower or faster in portrait versus landscape mode � so I feel like it might just be a software bug, typically more prevalent on more complex websites. And where the **** is my left side convenience key, seriously he wasn�t hurting anyone � why has it gone? Now I actually need to think instead of using my application switcher, it�s a Blackberry you Canuks � don�t mess with my convenience key.

So that�s it, my review, mostly positive; where it�s negative it�s as black as the soul of the man who took away my left side convenience key. Will I upgrade from my trusty 9700 Bold? Sadly, probably not until much later, if at all to the 9800 Torch�Bold. Personally I feel like the next upgrade will have everything I want and not just parts of what I want. I�m really left with my willy out in the wind over the whole GPU omission, call me provincial but I feel like an upgrade should include upgraded components, and the only thing I�m really getting over a 9700 Bold is a touch screen. Do I think it�s a bad upgrade? No, actually I think there are tons of Blackberry users out there that would benefit greatly from this device, namely persons who didn�t upgrade to a 9700 Bold. It�s not that I hate the Torch, quite the opposite, I just love my Bold and the touch options just aren�t worth it right now. Added to the fact that I�m a T-Mobile Customer who�s unwilling to give up his unlimited Blackberry plan in favor of a network that doesn�t offer that package anymore. The device itself is competent and capable and should suit anyone not upgrading from a 9700 Bold or just has to have the touch-centric features.

A note to the zealous who have already begun posting contrary to my opinions, please feel free to jot down any objections and mail them to your nearest brick wall. I don�t care what you think, because what you think isn�t going to make me feel somehow more vindicated that you feel that way or don�t. One of the things that bothers me most about our society is this ever present need to be right on some level, or be able to waggle ones Cheetos dust-covered finger in front of others and blurt out �I told you so� like an obese 6-year old. You�re not me, you don�t know my needs or desires for such a device and I don�t care about yours � that�s the end of our relationship. I personally blame political correctness for all of the brand loyal raving masses. It�s like we�ve been told over and over that we can�t feel one way or another about other people, so we distill all of our hatred and dislike for each other down to a level where we fight over whose using the best, feature-rich disposable ******. The very fact that there are people paid to go on to message boards and post anti-device/company/carrier propaganda is sickening to a degree that I can�t even explain. I leave you with this, disagree respectfully amongst yourselves � remember that diversity is the spice of life and that ultimately your opinion isn�t right or wrong, it�s just your opinion � and no one cares about it but you. Also try and keep in mind that a little competition is a good thing and that magical company whom you back so vehemently would bend you over and corn-hole you dry if it meant making another .01% profit margin � so it�s equally important to keep those companies fighting for your dollars rather than over your chocolate starfish. If you really need to vent, flame, verbally and digitally abuse anyone � reserve that special feeling for the man who removed my left side convenience key.

Jack

[BoldtotheMax]

Wow, all over phones, lol! Some of ya need to come back to reality....

And obvious you care what others think, hence the novel you just wrote...such big words too, lol!

Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com

[dwadwa]

TL; DR

.... Can you highlight the major points?

[BoldtotheMax]

Also anyone that writes in third person can't be taken serious...just can't...

Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com

[NoahFecks]

I'm not seeing the NSFW graphic. Only reason I clicked on this post.

[ek9max]

Too boring to read fully. I started skimming, and then it was over....

Coles notes anybody?

[7_rocket]

Coles notes

[kolonji]

Only thing i saw was.. porn .. and labia .. after that its all a blank.

[itsdollar]

I tried to get through but too much into one post. I'm thinking you don't like Twitter with the way they limit your words.

[Masahiro]

I'm not seeing the NSFW graphic. Only reason I clicked on this post.

Haha. Agreed.

[House_Ape]

bravo .... bravo...

[Roo Zilla]

Very honest and personal review. Writing style, which I liked very much, was interesting to say the least.

[Rizzleman716]

I liked this! Pretty long, but some pretty good points. And quite interesting

Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com

[laollis]

I'm not seeing the NSFW graphic. Only reason I clicked on this post.

Yeah, yeah. Where? I opened this for that too. Now I'm yawning. Zzzzzz

[kilted thrower]

Well, I thought it was a refreshing piece of rhetoric. I wish he would've been a bit more descriptive though.

But, seriously, I read the entire thing and laughed, smiled, and cryed with the author.

[green_ember]

I don't think I could possibly agree more, not that Jack cares lol

[slackerjack]

Oh - care

Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com

[opher]

Couldn't take him serious after the first sentance.

Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com

[slackerjack]

Of course not, but you'd probably refer to Nelson Mandella as a "Ghandi-killer"

Jack

Posted from my CrackBerry at wapforums.crackberry.com